In this episode I discuss: Doechii’s win and what that meant for me, my struggles with body image, vulnerability, Beyonce’s impact with Cowboy Carter, my future plans, and my relationship with my sexuality.
01:53 Ori Prayersssss (What That Has Been Doing For Me)
05:12 Life changes or whatevaaaa
09:02 body image
12:09 sexuality
14:59 Cowboy Carter impact/Beyonce’s Grammy Win
19:57 Doechii’s Grammy Win
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Doechii was an artist I came across about two years ago. I had always seen her on my timeline, but never thought to pay her full discography mind until I came across her COLORS SHOW performance of Stressed.
What struck me was how raw the shit sounded. I always say there is a particular kind of vulnerability that I don’t usually see channeled from Black women. Sure, there are plenty of Black artists who are showing up and being open about their experiences, but I always felt as though there are tiers to vulnerability. There’s that, ‘okay I’m a human and I went through this but I’m not gon give y’all vivid details of what I’m experiencing’ kinda vulnerbaility. And then there is that ‘I’ll give y’all a tad bit of tea, but not fully because y’all gon look at me weird but this is just enough to where I also feel safe’ kinda vulnerability. And then there is Doechii’s kinda vulnerability where it’s like ‘okay i’m going to strip myself bare naked and let y’all into my brain completely uncut and raw and I don’t care if it sounds scary or if it triggers you here are my uncomfortable truths and experiences’ kinda vulnerability. And that, ladies and gentleman is the brand of vulnerability I’ve always been in love with. I rarely see THAT kinda transparency from Black women. And especially not even in my personal life, so I always felt like sort of an outcast because of how open I was with people.
Sabotagin' me 'til I'm forced to rip the mask off
This lobotomy is just a reflection of the last lost
This body is in remembrance of the last lot
And this lady is too pretentious of the mascot— Stressed, Doechii
Throughout my art, I always am completely honest about what I am experiencing. Suicidal thoughts, dark humor, body dysmorphia, abuse, and my own personal battle with my insecurities. Growing up with a diagnosed narcissistic father, emotionally unavailable parents, and an unpredictable environment where it was nothing but chaos one day, and then quiet the next, I was always on edge as a little kid and I’ve always been super open about that throughout my work because I feel like it is NEEDED to save lives and push humanity forward. So naturally, I was drawn to Doechii when I seen this performance. Because not only is it sonically a great song, but she’s laying it all out on the track. The bitch is rapping about drug addiction, prescription drugs for depression and anxiety, her experiences with coke, suicidal thoughts, and self-deprecation. It almost sounds as if she’s walking us through a dark night of the soul (which if you don’t know what that is— look it up). She’s calling herself stupid. She’s calling herself shady. She’s calling herself everything but a child of God. And while many might find that shit depressing and unappealing, it was raw to me. It felt REAL. It ain’t feel performative and curated. She ends the performance saying she’s STILL STRESSED despite ‘making it’.
After I watched it, I went down a rabbit hole of exploring all her music and was in awe at the paper trail of her growth not only as an artist, but as a woman. A Black woman at that. Everything about Doechii is super eccentric and outlandish. I’ve always felt as though I fit into that category of quirky Black girl. I don’t like wearing the typical fashions that everyone else wears. I’m very weird. I’m a yapper. I’m a walking encyclopedia. I have these new hyper fixations every month. And I’ve just always felt seen witnessing Doechii’s evolution.
I scrolled through her YouTube before she became super big, and it inspired me to continue FULLY embracing me and my journey, no matter what disgust or shade I get from others for doing so. This girl literally has a trail of her come-up on the Internet, and I think that is so beautiful. Her YouTube consists of her venting about niggas, life, work, etc.
Her vulnerability makes me cry. I often feel like something is wrong with me for not having the same journeys as other people. For not meeting my own personal expectations and for being OPEN about feeling that way. I’ve been told by so many people that I should not be so open and raw with my life, but every time I try to be ‘mystique’ and shut the fuck up, I feel caged in. Being the strong Black woman has never served me… I hate that shit so fucking much. I am not strong. I cry EVERY single day. EVERY FUCKING DAY. I am confused EVERY SINGLE DAY and I be sitting here wondering like damn am I the only bitch that be going through shit? And it’s just superrrrr refreshing re-watching Doechii’s old videos of her venting.
Being a Black girl who is super open, you get a lot of backlash from people in your family and even some of your peers. I have seen many of my peers sneak diss, throw shade, and imply that something is off about me for being HONEST. People often think you are mentally weak for being this way.
“Keep that to yourself, nobody should know your business”, they say.
But what if I DO want people to know my business? Does that make me less mature because I want to showcase my humanity? No. This world would be nowhere without vulnerability. We’d be deprived of so much art, so much fashion, so much media.
Doechii has literally made me feel so seen, heard, validated, and understood. In a world where people make Black girls feel like we are less than for putting our personal business into the art, it is REFRESHING AS HELL to see her rep for girls like me. And she’s not always sad or depressed in her older videos. She’s laughing about shit, keeping shit lightheaded, being playful and funny while STILL being honest about where the fuck she’s at. It inspires me to keep going. Keep writing. Keep being open. Keep being different. Keep being eccentric. Keep being that oddball.
Authenticity always wins. I’m not in the business of being super perfect anymore or trying to look a particular way to attract men or opportunities. THIS IS ME. And I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but one day… somebody gonna love it. People are craving raw energy right now, as we live in a world where people’s brains are full of nothing but the Internet. People have no special interests, no challenging thoughts on the world, zero creativity. Brain just rotted by social media and tradition (which is gonna be the death of y’all by the way).
It is HEALING to see a fellow weird, alternative Black girl with mental health issues, delusions, and sex appeal unmatched WIN BIG. Makes me wonder… what’s up next for me?
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