In this episode, I discussed a dismissive avoidant-fearful avoidant dynamic.
I’ve learned a lot about avoidant attachment styles through therapy and in addition to that, I’m a former psych major. So, I can usually detect the behavior from a mile away. Recently, I’ve become even more hyperaware of the attachment style with this nigga… Dante. That’s what we’ll call him, y’all. I wanted to touch on this in this podcast/blog, because the entire relationship/dynamic has damaged me to my core. And I never want to deal with that again. I like to put some of my experiences into my art/share what I’ve been learning, so let’s get into it.
So, what most people don’t realize about avoidants is that our behavior is unintentional. We get demonized a lot because people often confuse us with being narcissists. But narcissists intentionally enter relationships with the goal of establishing power and damaging you. Avoidants and our behavior is completely subconscious. We were never equipped with the tools of having healthy relationships and communicating effectively. We are only modeling what we know, so we hurt others in the process. However, it is our responsibility to heal from that.
Now, I believe there is a difference between an unevolved avoidant and an evolved avoidant. Someone who is an evolved avoidant is extremely self-aware and working towards secure attachment, but still hold avoidant tendencies. Here are some differences that I’ve noticed:
Unevolved avoidant:
Very selfish — this isn’t intentional all the time. They are used to severe emotional neglect as a child or are not used to emotional closeness in their households. When it comes to their emotions, they are used to self-soothing and so as they get older, they are unable to consider the emotions of others. Most of their behavior is based off how it makes THEM FEEL.
Manipulative - another thing they are completely unaware of. Will use forms of bread crumbing and the infamous ‘bait and switch’ to keep you in their orbit. This is how they sidestep vulnerability.
Poor communication skills — will never be direct with you. Speaking in code, being passive aggressive, and throwing shade on social media is their favorite thing to do because they fear direct confrontation and hate discussing their actual feelings with someone. They want you to read their minds and get upset when you choose to opt out of that. They fear abandonment and rejection which is why they are never assertive and direct with you. They never make anything clear, and if they do they often go back on their word because they’ve already created these false scenarios of how the shit isn’t going to work out.
Idealizing people/love — Avoidants often put people they are interested in on a pedestal because they are often about the ‘fantasy’ love. They want the fantasy that comes with love and relationships, but they do not wish to have the emotional closeness and intimacy that comes with that. They want the “easy” parts of love. They are never willing to compromise because they believe love should be simple, easy, and like a romance movie. This leaves no room for a potential partner to fuck up and make mistakes because they’ve already created a fantasy version of you in their heads. And once you don’t measure up, they’ll drop you and become cold.
Hates criticism — avoidants HATE criticism because it forces them to self-reflect. Avoidants NEVER self-reflect because they avoid their own emotions and feelings and will often shut down when you call them out for their harmful behavior and unpredictable moods. They WILL project on to you and are good for making you seem like the problem.
Love Bombing — they will love bomb you in the initial stages of your relationship as a way to control the levels of intimacy.
Control Issues — often very possessive and wants you to move on their time. Does not care about the whereabouts or plans of other person. Everything has to planned out on THEIR time. THEY have to choose where y’all are going, the dates y’all go on, what time, etc. It is a way to maintain a level of control because they fear losing themselves in love.
Low Self-Esteem: I don’t care how confident and charming they come across, an avoidant is INSECURE and have feelings of shame. They believe they are unlovable and so they cannot grasp how anyone else could love them. When someone is showing them healthy love, mutual interest, and communicating effectively— it scares them. Because they know they will eventually have to meet expectations and reciprocate, which is scary for them because they know they CANNOT measure up to that. They fear someone seeing ALL OF THEM. They love the validation they receive from you, and get a high off ego boosts because deep down? They don’t even love themselves. They get ADDICTED to your constant praise and affirmations.
Stalking Social Media: your social media WILL be stalked and monitored by an unevolved avoidant, even if they have unfollowed or blocked you. It is their way of checking in and keeping tabs while avoiding that level of intimacy and vulnerability that would come with a REAL conversation. They’ll also view your stories and like shit in the midst of conflict and no contact period, which is their way of letting you know that they are no longer upset with you anymore and you’re on their mind. It is also their way of apologizing. They’d rather do that than have an actual conversation about their childish, harmful behavior. They’d rather do that as opposed to saying they miss you. They might even send a funny meme or something super lighthearted to kickstart a conversation with you, without a mention of their behavior and wrongdoings.
Multiple situationships/friends with benefits/surface level relationships: Avoidants tend to have a lot of situationships because they don’t want any meaningful, deep connections because it comes with what? Expectations. They like connections with people who are emotionally unavailable and toxic and just as detached, because it naturally makes it ‘easier’. They will not be challenged, questioned, or expected to be in tune with another person’s feelings.
EVOLVED AVOIDANTS:
Selfish — we can be selfish at times, but eventually with time and space we see the wrong in our behavior. Which is why it is important for partners to GIVE US OUR SPACE during conflict. We always come around.
Tad bit manipulative — we aren’t fully secure yet, so every now and then we can be a little manipulative. Except our manipulation tactics won’t be as heavy as an avoidant who hasn’t done the work. If you call us out for it, we reflect.
Good communication skills — we aren’t the BEST at communication as we still have avoidant tendencies, but we also do communicate. As an evolved avoidant, you slowly begin to learn effective ways to communicate, despite the idea of it giving you a little bit of fear. Some may be slightly passive aggressive with their ACTIONS, but not our words. We start to see the importance of being direct and assertive, as we care about the feelings of others and we realize that everything isn’t about us.
Welcomes criticism — criticism may make us uncomfortable, but we are ready and able to hear your thoughts. It might hurt us initially, but since we are coming out of an individualist kinda point of view of life, we look at the larger picture instead of shutting down when someone critiques us.
Zero Love Bombing — can’t speak for everyone, but for me, I don’t love bomb. I take things very slow and steady. We can, however, fall victim to someone else’s love bombing in the initial stages of relationships.
Control issues — we still have control issues, but we’re more open to the idea of surrendering and letting go as compared to an unevolved avoidant. We start to realize that love isn’t about control and that is okay to let others in because we want to grow. From time to time, we may show little signs of our control freak tendencies.
Social Media — Personally, I don’t be stalking the social media of anyone I’m no longer involved with. I actually prefer to not see anything. While I am dealing with you, though, I casually browse your socials just to know what I’m getting myself into. It’s not so much about possessiveness though.
You see, I never want to be on the receiving end of this ever again. The way it has damaged me mentally is something that has honestly made me reflect on my past behavior. It made me hit up my old homegirl from when I was like… 19, and apologize to her. Because avoidants don’t just act like this in romantic relationships, but some of it can spill into their friendships as well. We have a core wound of abandonment and rejection. We fear someone disposing of us and discarding us, so we usually try to beat them to the punch without even explaining our fears and thoughts to them because we fear what? Our emotions. Understand that this does not reflect anything you did. It has everything to do with them and what they are battling internally. They cannot be good to you until they tap into themselves. Ever.
Never attempt to change them, as this pushes them away more. They gotta come to that realization on their own time. Unevolved avoidants spend a lifetime hurting people, avoiding any situation that requires conflict, manipulating and abusing others (subconsciously), and being shitty ass people because they refuse to do that deep, introspective work. Feelings and emotions repel them. They’ll always look at you crazy for being open and honest, because they can’t even be real about how they feel about themselves. They are constantly running from themselves because they are scared shitless of what they’ll discover.
Some examples of this in TV/FILM:
Darius and Lovehall/Nina Mosley in Love Jones
Will Hunting/Skyler in Good Will Hunting:
Sammy/Montrose in Lovecraft Country:
Here are some journal prompts I created to help avoidants overcome their fear of intimacy and emotional closeness:
What was your first memory of being emotionally neglected during childhood?
What was your parents/caregiver’s response to your sensitivity or feelings?
What is love to you?
What does your ideal relationship look like?
How do you feel when you’re unable to be in communication with someone you deeply care about?
How do you feel about ‘inconveniencing’ yourself a little for loved ones?
How do you respond to conflict? And why do you respond that way?
How does your body and soul feel when someone expresses their feelings for you?
When was the last time you allowed someone to help you/allow you to vent about life?
Are you more intrigued by people who show zero interest/play hard to get or people who show mutual interest? Why do you think that is?
Are the current relationships in your life surface level and superficial or meaningful and deep? Do you even know how many siblings they have? Where they grew up?
What are your standards? What are you not willing to compromise on?
What are your top love languages? And why?
Really reflect on whether or not you have an insecure attachment style. Of course, other factors go into how you approach relationships, but learning your attachment style will DRASTICALLY change the trajectory of your life if you’re serious about community and real, authentic, pure love. Or else, you’ll forever be in a cycle of loneliness and feeling like something is missing. Reflect, my nigga.
Attached is a playlist for all my girlies who have been a victim to avoidant behavior. This is also a playlist for those who have an avoidant attachment style as well. Perhaps hearing other people put your experiences/feelings in words can be helpful. I know it is for me. I’ve felt so low fucking with this nigga. And while I know that it isn’t a reflection of me, it still hurts. I often oscillate between not giving a fuck and being extremely hurt by his flighty behavior, brutal discards, and his coldness. But, I’m realizing he just needs help and therapy. So do I. At least I’m honest about the shit though. At least I don’t run from myself. I’m honest. Right?
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