First off, I just wanna say I am now offering birth chart readings guys! Come get right with meeeeeee 🤎🍒 Hopefully, this new venture can help me in funding other creative things/my life 🤝🏾✨ There are THREE PACKAGES BELOW:
Hopefully, I can give you a little clarity/insight on your life with my abilities/research skills🫡
Secondly, my playlist lately has been POPPINNNNNNNNNNNN! Y’all have really been feeling the tunes! Make sure y’all are downloading! Every single song is a reflection of how I’ve been feeling these past couple months. The goal is to introduce my audience to tunes they prolly ain’t never heard before or simply to put y’all niggas on to new music on the scene. I’m a music connesseuirrrr, honey! So make sure y’all are adding that to y’all library!
Lastly, make sure y’all are following me on all social media platforms! I’m on Instagram, Twitter, and Threads. I am also revamping my TikTok and will be uploading some content on there real soon! Purrrrr! I’m back, baby! Fuck these niggas. Fuck love. All I care about is community and MONEY! If it comes, then it comes. But we not stressing over that shit no more! Everything will naturally align for me.
I’m pouring into ME. Saying my morning Ori prayers, trusting in divine timing, and learning to surrender. I don’t care if my life is in shambles, I’ma move as if it’s NOT. Manifestation, babiessssss.
Now, let’s get into this podcast episode!
In this episode, I share my personal journey of self-discovery per usualllll, sexuality, and emotional vulnerability. We also get into the complexities of sexual experiences, the impact of past trauma on relationships, and the challenges of navigating dating in a society with rigid, traditional, and conventional expectations. Then, we speak about energy vampires, men with mother wounds, and my newfound shift in how I am approaching my desire for romance and love.
Chapters
00:00 Life Updates and Personal Growth
02:57 Reconnecting with the Body and Sexuality
06:08 The Complexity of Sexual Experiences
08:52 Navigating Emotional Vulnerability in Relationships
12:15 Reflections on Dating and Emotional Availability
14:58 The Impact of Past Trauma on Relationships
17:56 Shifting Perspectives on Love and Relationships
21:00 Finding Balance Between Authenticity and Social Expectations
23:47 Emotional Guarding and Self-Protection
27:03 Love Cynicism
I’ve always felt like there aren’t enough conversations about the different frameworks around sex. Maybe it’s because everyone acts as though they have the greatest dick in the world. Maybe it’s because every bitch is Miss Tight Grip Coochie with a vagina that just never waivers. This makes it seem as though sex is very black and white. Even when we listen to the music these days, every female rapper is talking about having the greatest, wettest, tightest coochie ever. Every man has the biggest, most spectacular dick in the world. And I feel as though culture has put this pressure on us as humans to give a performance during sex, rather than being in the moment. Plenty of women go into sex thinking they need to be a man’s greatest performance ever. Plenty of men go into sex feeling the same way. And I believe this is why a lot of people are getting nervous. I believe this explains these orgasm gaps we frequently hear about. We put this pressure on ourselves to just wow everyone we encounter. Major libido blocker. Think about it: how often do we hear realistic, relatable discussions about sex? Instead, we're bombarded with narratives of unparalleled skill and unwavering sexual prowess. Every female rapper claims to be the greatest in bed. This creates an unrealistic expectation, pushing us to prioritize performance over presence.
Recently, I had to get real with myself: I am always in my head and SOMETIMES it can make me very disconnected from my body. And while yes, I’ve had some really great experiences where I’ve outdone myself and I’ve also had some equally shitty experiences. I’ve given trash coochie, and I’ve also received really bad dick. Doing my homework, I tried to think of all my great experiences vs. bad ones to try and determine what worked vs. what did not. I started doing this work around the top of last year. I began studying sexologists like Shan Boodram, who has been incredibly helpful in my journey. I love Whoreible Decisions. I love Not Just Another Sex Podcast. I love Her Nut Matters.
What I’ve gathered from reading a shit ton of books on the human body, listening to the words of sexologists and intimacy coaches, and paying attention to the way sex is discussed in this day and age is that not enough people are willing to admit that they don’t know every damn thing about sex. Even if you THINK you do, everyone has a different body, a different story, different trauma, different circumstances, and different kinks that need to be explored in order to genuinely have enjoyable sex. You reading this… YES YOU! You don’t always know what you’re doing. Men and women alike. You can’t use the same tricks on the same body. You can’t expect what you did on the last person to work on the current person. You actually would need to communicate in order to know what your performance was like. I believe that shame should not exist when it comes to sex. Normalize giving bad performances and learning from them. Normalize not always being experienced with every damn aspect of sex. Normalize going into sex with zero expectations. Because when we do the reverse, we tense ourselves up and get nervous– myself included. When we do the reverse, that’s when sex becomes a performance, rather than an intimate and deeply personal exchange.
What I’ve gathered from many conversations I’ve had with my girlfriends is that a lot of men who THINK they are doing well in bed, are actually horrible. I feel like a lot of men believe that just because a woman is moaning and shouting and doing all the facial expressions and whatnot— that they are really enjoying themselves. They go yearsssss thinking they just dropping off bomb ass dick, but they aren’t. And the same can be said about women as well. But I believe where the disconnect comes from, is that people are scared to have these conversations with their sexual partners. Men especially, CANNOT take criticism. Women, too. But mostly men. While women are not immune to giving lackluster performances, my observations (fueled by mimosa-filled brunch conversation) suggest we are often more receptive to feedback and quicker to adapt. This begs the question: why are women seemingly more obsessed with the pressure of being "good in bed" than men are? Is it indicative of underlying sexual and power dynamics?
I’ve had plenty of experiences where I have explicitly told men exactly what I needed in order to be turned on— to which I was ultimately dismissed and told, “I’m not doing all that. That’s doing a lot.” Because men have been TAUGHT to not give a fuck about women’s bodies. They’ve been taught to only prioritize themselves and to not ask questions. They tie their manhood and masculinity to their sexual performance, so any kind of critique or commentary wounds them, rather than them using it as an opportunity to improve. I recall having a podcast episode with my former cohost where we talked about being told we were bad at something once by a man, and choosing to learn and be better rather than making it seem as though they were dramatic. Men seldom do this. Seldom. I’m telling y’all niggas right now. Women lie. All the time. And while yes, we are also at fault for lying— there is a reason that happens. Sometimes, we fear how men will react. And other times, we never expect men to actually want to change anything. Their egos are usually wounded.
But then enter Shan Boodram— a sexologist and relationship educator who has dominated social media with her unique approach to conversations surrounding sexuality, intimacy, and love. She has recently rebranded her former Lovers and Friends podcast, as the newly titled Lovers Podcast— with a new episode out that really blew my mind and changed the way I approach sex and self-pleasure. In this episode, she guides her audience through a framework of sex that focuses on the freedom we possess as humans that acts as the catalyst to great sex. There are three frameworks: Freedom To, Freedom From, and Freedom NOT TO.
FREEDOM TO:
This framework focuses on the freedom to explore all possibilities, limitations, etc. Giving ourselves the freedom to tap into these realms of sex relieves us from the pressure to fit into a mold.
I started thinking… what do I want freedom to do during sex? I want the freedom to fantasize, to question, to learn, to challenge, and to experiment. What do you want? Let me know in the comments.
FREEDOM FROM:
This framework focuses on the freedom from expectations and experience. With this framework, Shan brings on two queer women who defy the hypersexualized stereotypes often put on queer and LGBT+ women. Most times, people believe that just because you fall under this umbrella, that you’re just an expert on sex. However, both parties were honest in saying that they did not know everything and that they are still in the process of getting to know themselves sexually. Sexual exploration is a life-long journey.
FREEDOM NOT TO:
This framework focuses on sexual boundaries, turn offs, and limitations. This was one of the more interesting frameworks to me. People don’t usually ask their partners questions about sex– they just go in doing what they do, never thinking to ask what the other person likes. Many women are victims of sexual abuse, have experienced complex trauma, or have disabilities where every position, act, or feeling doesn’t work for them. What I love about this framework is that it gives people the space to not always be in the mood. To say NO. To not like what everyone else likes.
For women, especially, the pressure to always be "in the mood" to please a partner is immense. I've personally experienced situations where I knew I wasn't mentally ready or in a healthy space for sex, yet I engaged anyway to avoid disappointing the other person. That's the opposite of empowering! It's liberating to say, "No, I'm not feeling it right now," or "No, that doesn't work for me." It is an act of self-care.
While these frameworks are great, I have to say they’ll only go far if you go deep with YOURSELF. If you don’t even know what your body likes, how can you expect another human to know? Get to know your body. Relearn it every couple years. Your needs and desires from when you were 18 may be different at 26 or 27. What worked for you in the past, may not work now. Biologically, that is how the human body is designed. You have to explore yourself and get in tune with your body. Not only through masturbation, but even through body movement like exercise, dancing, walking, etc. Move around and stay grounded. Remind yourself that you are a being on this Earth. It is all too easy to fall into the trap of capitalism and forget that you are an actual human being with five senses. We must learn ourselves before we fully share ourselves with others.
Ultimately, the journey toward better sex, and a more fulfilling intimate life, lies in embracing vulnerability and open communication. We just gotta dismantle these social pressures that demand perfection and instead foster an environment where learning, experimentation, and honest feedback are not only accepted but encouraged. By adopting the frameworks of Freedom To, Freedom From, and Freedom NOT TO, we can begin to prioritize individual desires and boundaries, paving the way for deeper, more authentic connections with ourselves and our partners. It's time to dispose of the charade of the all-knowing lover and embrace the lifelong exploration of our own, and each other's, unique sensuality.
So, tell me: What are you giving yourself the freedom to, the freedom from, and the freedom not to?
Share this post