Baduizm Lessonzzzz.

“You know, Kam… I think you just pour into niggas too much. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. You just need to save some for you. It has to be reciprocated.”

This is what a homeboy of mine said after I mentioned feeling flawed and unlovable. I frequently think something is very wrong with me. And I frequently wonder why I continue to attract men who are very emotionally unavailable, but a part of that is because maybe there is a part of me that is a little emotionally unavailable as well. Wanting someone to treat me right even when they’ve shown me time and time again that they cannot give me what I desire is a strong indicator of being emotionally unavailable in some areas. If I was present and had a particular level of confidence, I would not do so much for men who really… don’t give a fuck about me.

It’s 3:30AM in the morning, and on my Victrola record player, I’m blasting Erykah Badu’s New Amerykah Part Two: Return Of The Ankh album. Just reflecting, analyzing, writing, sitting in my own solitude… a regular for me. I just rolled a fat ass blunt and at this point, ‘Out My Mind, Just In Time’ is spinning. And slowly, but surely… I feel a tear trickling down my face. The song is about Erykah’s experience over-extending herself to a partner who does not do the same for her. Doing a range of things for this person and ‘overloving’ someone who hasn’t returned the emotional energy. While not directly stated, it’s obvious this person does not appreciate her or recognize her worth, as she refers to herself as a fool for these things that she does. Simultaneously, Erkyah holds this bittersweet resentment towards him for his failure to reciprocate and her own personal failure at upholding her boundaries while he takes and takes. In the middle of the song, the beat changes as she’s going through withdrawals from breaking up with this man. She realizes she had on rose-colored glasses and laughs at her former self. She comes to grips with who this man really is, as well as her own shortcomings– finally out of what sounds like psychosis. And within the third beat change, she’s like a phoenix rising from the ashes. There’s this brutally honest inner monologue where she acknowledges that she can’t blame anyone but herself, noting this connection as a catalyst for her own shadow work and development. Evolving this time around with better boundaries and a stronger sense of self and identity, she refuses to let this man back in her energy. This time, she’s in a new world with star energy. A fresh, new season.

I took this song as a channelled message from my ancestors to stop overextending myself. There’s this amazing interview between Erykah Badu and Rapsody where they have this dialogue about self-love, relationships, and learning how to love others in a romantic sense. Rapsody mentions something about giving and giving and repeatedly getting taken advantage of by men, to which Erykah challenges her: “Why wouldn’t they?”

When you do not enforce your boundaries, these niggas will dog walk you. And they WILL NOT care. Downright cold and ruthless with it, too. Can’t be considerate with niggas who do not consider you. Can’t be loving with niggas who are not loving to you. Can’t be kind to niggas who are not kind to you. I think for me, I sorta developed this addiction to trying to change niggas. I rarely like anyone, honestly. I only genuinely like someone once every 400 years, but I’ve noticed that the few times I have actually fallen in love with someone, loved someone, or deeply liked them– I would do too much very early. And it wasn’t necessarily because I was trying to prove myself worthy, but naturally… that’s the kinda woman I am. It stems from a deep-seated desire to create a home, a place of warmth and comfort, so yes, I wanna run an errand for you, I wanna help you with that project, I wanna help you study for your classes, I wanna pick up your laundry for you. Little shit like that, you know? I’m inherently a very nurturing woman despite the guard and the walls I have put up. I like taking care of people and I enjoy performing acts of service. I could picture myself now– that wife that is all about the HOME. Hosting family dinners, game nights, deep cleaning the crib. Shit kinda adds up, honestly. I am a 4th house stellium, meaning I have multiple planet placements that fall under the 4th house (ruled by Cancer). 4th housers are naturally maternal, protective, warm, tender, and incredibly devoted. They’re also known for being psychic, intuitive, sensitive, and soft.

Feeling like home for people is important to me. I used to try to deny it so much, but it is. And I also would like to be with a person who feels like HOME to me. I guess that’s always been an important aspect of my life, because my home life as a child was unpredictable and chaotic. So when I envision the kinda partner I am with and the kinda family I one day would like to have, I have this obsession with having a home that is the complete opposite of what I grew up seeing. I have this obsession with a relationship that feels familiar and cozy, like we dawgs for real. Gotta be my homeboy before anything else. Think of Celia Foote from The Help– the quintessential, naive Ingenue archetype with housewife energy written all over her, yet unconventional with a strong sense of self at the same time.

But sometimes, that kinda connection? It feels distant. So, I guess I’ve settled for distant relationships where I overperformed because I started thinking the shit was normal, while secretly hating the nigga because he couldn’t do the same– ending in love/hate relationships, where it’s like.. Yeah, I love you nigga, but I also wouldn’t mind stabbing you or running you over with a tractor trailer, or possibly euthanizing you. And you would think that a nigga would sit back and think, '“Let me just leave her alone because I don’t want her to lose her light fucking with me"… but nope. And this is why you have to remove YOURSELF from these situations. That’s where the accountability comes in. It’s not that your nurturing energy is wrong… it’s just that the nigga has to deserve it and work for it.

Now, I can say Erykah Badu has played a big role in this transitional period of my life, where I’m learning to love myself a little more than before. I don’t really have a lot of older, Black women to turn to as far as advice about relationships and womanhood and shit. And Erykah Badu has a very comforting energy in the realm of this area of life for me. I could binge watch her interviews all day. I could listen to her music all day. Take Baduizm, for example: a lot of messages I skimmed over as a child. I guess I had to live a little and enter womanhood to really feel hit by the words. The album explores themes of spirituality, self-love, interpersonal relationships, introspection, and philosophy.

Where am I at now?

Well, let’s take a look:

September to March, I’ve been in a funk. Six months of ups and downs, and highs and lows, and complete moodiness. i cry every single day. I’m very scared of myself, but at least I face myself, you know? One minute I’m angry. The next I’m depressed and utterly hopeless. after that, I’m filled with rage. and directly after that I have a millisecond of joy because i just ate my favorite snack— s’mores. but i don’t feel like me anymore. i feel like I’m experiencing a death, idk. I find myself wishing I could go back to the Kamory who was cocky, confident, distant, and fly. But I guess I’m shedding old me? And I guess this is why this period of my life is so painful. But even the cocky Kamory wasn’t really cocky. That shit was a facade, I guess. I didn’t know that it was in that moment, but now I see… it was a defense mechanism for me.

I think old me is actively fighting against new me. Let’s take a look.

New Kam: prioritizing community, making new friends who are in alignment with my path, seeking professional growth in a field I’m actually passionate about, enrolling back in school, practicing hoodoo, an emphasis on body movement, taking risks + getting outside of my comfort zone, venerating my ancestors, getting outside in nature, traveling, becoming more heart-centered, trusting in the unknown and my intuition, becoming more present, drawn to baggy, comfortable clothing.

vs.

Old Kam: distant, surface level friendships and relationships, comfortable with working jobs that paid the bills but didn’t serve my soul, making excuses, aloof in my interactions, logical + analytical, individualist, vain, avoidant, selfish, never asking for help, perfectionist, control freak, self sabotage behavior, unable to be present, drawn to fitted + form fitting clothing.

This is new territory for me. It’s completely outside of what’s familiar and when I look in the mirror, it feels like I’m seeing a stranger. I keep reminding myself that I’m just transitioning to a new chapter, but it still feels shitty.

Ultimately, I have this newfound direction for what I wanna do. Core values: spirituality, impact, community, legacy, authenticity, diversity. I’ve realized that plenty of friends that I had were strangers in reality. I’ve realized that plenty of friends I’ve had were not my people. I’ve been in this space of shedding, shedding, shedding. And now, I’m building, building, building. Rebuilding, actually. Slowly but surely, I’m building a small tribe full of badass Black, conjure women who are just as progressive and for the people as much as me. I’ve started to become comfortable with the fact that I am not for everyone. I’ve started to become comfortable with the fact that I will not be liked by everyone. And honestly? I don’t wanna be liked by everyone, because that means I’m doing something wrong. That’s where ‘Appletree’ comes in for me. Recognizing that everyone isn’t supposed to be apart of my appletree. Everyone doesn’t get me, you know? And that’s okay. I just have to breathe and accept it. It’s not that deep. It’s never that serious.

I have a strong connection with trees, actually. I frequently go to this park near me, speaking to trees and becoming at one with nature. Using one particular tree as a portal for my connection to my ancestors…. pouring water at the trunk as a way to reciprocate the energy. Praying for stability, true love, community, financial abundance, creative clarity, and prosperity. If I want these things, I have to come to a solid understanding that I cannot let everyone around my appletree. That’s what Erykah taught me.

One of the more popular songs, we get to Erykah’s Next Lifetime. She explores her feelings of wanting someone while in a whole relationship. She’s intrigued by this man and his energy feels divine. Like something out of a movie. She spends the whole track saying that maybe she’ll see him in another lifetime, maybe as butterflies or some shit. The connection between the two is so strong that she feels like they might’ve had a past life connection. Is it delusion? Or is her intuition on point? Is this man really that familiar? Or does she have on rose colored glasses? It’s an ongoing conflict she has throughout the song, but she ultimately just chooses to surrender to whatever the hell Universe has planned.

Surrender. That’s another large theme of my life right now. Trying to let go and not be so controlling. Because truth is, we can’t control every single aspect of life. In African spirituality, there’s this concept that before we came down on this Earth, we already picked our destiny. So, forcing things will never work out for us if it’s not in our destiny. If it is for us, best believe it’ll come back around. So… let go and let God.

Another favorite of mine? No Love. Badu speaks of an unrequited love. Or a seemingly unrequited love from a man who is cold towards her. Is he really being cold or does he just not like her? Is he unavailable or uninterested? She’s battling between he loves me and he loves me not. I think we all been there. Right, ladies? Tryna gage if a nigga really does ‘love’ you or is he just saying that shit? You know? This man has her mind all over the place. She’s begging for SOMETHING. Begging for a little affection, some attention. She’s questioning herself all throughout the song.

Like… do you like me or not? Am I supposed to be loving you? Am I supposed to be wanting you, even after the discards and distance? It’s nice to know Badu was going through this as well. Being someone who prides myself on being a very powerful, spiritual woman— I sometimes get angry and pissed at myself for doing the craziest, foolish shit as far as men. I be thinking, ‘This is so off brand for me,’ but then I be having to remind myself that I’m a woman. I’m a human. Not a robot. I’ve done some dumb ass shit in the romance department. But… I’m just a woman. With my own issues, my own trauma, my own problems. I try to give myself grace because I won’t be the first or the last woman to love someone. I won’t be the first or last someone to experience rejection from a man, isolation from a man, distance from a man. It’s okay.

I think Baduizm is the greatest album for any Black woman right now going through a spiritual awakening. Any Black women who has begun the journey of coming home to herself? This album is like medicine. It’s soothing and warm. It travel through my ears and heals all my internal wounds. Because it’s nice to know I ain’t the only one. I believe the hardest part about this awakening for me is that I kinda have to balance my cynicism of the world with the beauty of my own inner circle. Everything ain’t all bad. That’s Baduizm, to me. Understanding that in all actuality, there is beauty everywhere. You just have to look. For the person that’s always in their head and disconnected from the present, it’s easy to miss the small moments that are beautiful and meaningful. I’ve been paying attention more. Trying to get out my head, so that I don’t miss the messages and guidance my ancestors send down my way. Trying to get out my head, so that I can be apart of the human experience.

What I love about Badu in this project, is the fact that she doesn’t shy away from her own shortcomings and blindspots. I also love the way in which she paints her perspective of the world and how she’s getting through life as Black woman in a world that creates less than ideal circumstances for her. She provides a new perspective of looking at things, incorporating her spiritual practices, intellect, and ancestral guidance into her music. But even her intellect and spirituality cannot save her from the tragedies of life, as well all have free will and are apart of the 3D. This is perhaps where the logic and decision making comes in, which I think is what separates Badu from what we normally hear about those who practice spirituality. There’s often this misconception that we’re purely delusional and never with our feet on the ground. And perhaps, this really is the case sometimes— as Badu channels this, but she also always gets to the point where she realizes her purpose on this realm is to be apart of humanity. That’s where I’m at. Truly.

I don’t know what is next for me, but I do have a few ideas up my sleeve and I feel a gradual shift towards becoming more at home with myself. All I’m focused on right now is my connection to my ancestors, bettering my health, being more connected to my body and nature, drinking more water, increasing my fruit and veggie intake, building community, being creative, being emotional and passionate, and making room for more abundance and creative opportunities. While this feels like a death, sometimes death can be transformative. It might just push me closer to where I’m supposed to be. You know? Baduizm. That’s the vibe, right now. Asé.