Reflections on friendships, community, love, and the connections I crave at this stage in my life.
Don’t forget to subscribe to my playlist! All of these songs serve as representations of how I’ve been feeling lately.
When the fuck will the aliens overtake the world and take me in as their own? I fucking hate this world and everything about it. These curated images of perfectionism bore me. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Why is everyone so scared to show the ugly parts of them? The strange parts of them? Why is this generation so scared to show the full spectrum of their emotions? Why is everyone so scared to be a little cringe? Why is everyone so scared to ‘embarrass’ themselves? Why is everyone so fucking scared to just be a motherfucking human? I hear it in music, I hear it in dating discourse, I hear it and I see it everywhere, honestly. Truth is, I’m tired. Just like TamelaMann. I’m tireddddddd. “Never let them see you sweat” ... well, if they do see me sweat and take that as a sign of weakness or an easy target... isn’t that more of an indication of their lack of maturity and emotional unavailability? Why is that MY issue that I decided to let people see me sweat? Do we not sweat as humans? Or am I missing something? Am I not a fucking human being with emotions and feelings that don’t always make sense all the time?
“Fake it till you make it” ... WHY? Why must I always do that? I don’t want to do that. Sometimes I want to be honest in saying that I struggle at times. I want to be honest in saying that I don’t feel beautiful all the time. I want to be honest in saying that I constantly feel like I do not belong here. Why? Because I’m a human. I fucking hate everything. I fucking hate what this culture has turned into. I do. Everyone wants to be detached and hardbody and cold and stoic because they’re so scared of being hurt and it has turned this generation into cowards. Fucking cowards. I’m supposed to just hate men because that is what is cool on the Internet. I am supposed to keep my struggles and my feelings and my interests and my hobbies and my passions and my desires and my personality to myself to avoid being an easy target for predatory people. It is depressing as hell that this is true in some capacity. This says a lot about what we have come to as a society.
My generation is so detached and are failing at building community because of this culture of stoicism and manipulation games that we promote in pursuit of human connection. Or is it even really about human connection anymore? It can’t be. In my eyes, mfs don’t even wanna connect. They just want the IMAGE of connection. Not the real thing and all that comes with pure connection: intensity, passion, raw and ugly truths, bare souls, attentiveness, and curiosity. No one wants that. They want to have people to take pictures with and go to events with. People fall short in showing up for those same people though. People fall short in being inquisitive about those same people. People fall short in studying those same people. And it may be because as a culture, we are all scared of intimacy. We are all scared of wearing our hearts on our sleeves. We are all scared of being betrayed. And that’s valid, I guess. I’m not acting perfect as if I haven’t also been victim to this collective mindset and mentality. I have. But what I’m noticing now, is that I am breaking out of that. My ass can’t do surface level. I can’t do low maintenance. And for some time, I really assimilated into being that way because it felt as if that was what everyone preferred—but I can’t do it. That has actually never been me, and that is why I spent forever and a day in friendships and relationships that were surface level as hell, still feeling lonely because it went against my natural rhythm and desire to intensity and raw transparency.
I can’t help but to think about why the media and the art from back then just hits so differently. The music from the 50s-80s reflected what we now identify as ‘crashing out’, ‘going out sad’, or‘simping’, instead of calling it what is was: the bravery of pursuing human connection. The bravery of being curious about a motherfucker and admitting that. The bravery of admitting that yes, I might be a little delusional, but you intrigue me. The bravery of expressing that desire for intimacy and conversation. Raspy ballads from Teddy Pendergrass and Marvin Gaye and Teena Marie, and Minnie Riperton screamed honesty, vulnerability, and a genuine quest for understanding. Donnie Hathaway’s ‘Love, Love, Love’ is the perfect encapsulation of how I view love. Common’s ‘Love Is...’ spoke to me and my idealized vision of love. Because I think everything is love. The trees, the bees, the flowers, the random smiles from a stranger as I walk by them, the wind that touches my skin every time I step outside, that honest, casual conversation with somebody while I’m waiting in line at Walmart. It’s actually all around us.
“Romance is about the possibility of a thing.” Darius Lovehall once said that. And honestly, romance ain’t just about romantic relationships and dating. Romance applies across the fucking board. But it has died because of how pussy and coward-like culture has become for the fear of looking “desperate”, “thirsty”, or “on dick”. It’s all so dumb to me. In a few years, we’re gonna look back at this moment in time and collectively see how damaging a lot of this shit is. There will be an influx of feelings of loneliness because no one fucking prioritizes community. People justify their behaviors and horrible communication skills under the guise of ‘self-care’ and ‘boundaries’, when in reality everything isn’t about you. Self-care also isn’t solely about YOU. It’s about community and your tribe, too. You can’t take care of you if you don’t have community. It’s impossible because human connection is essential to survival. It’s essential for personal growth. It’s essential for increased creativity. It’s essential for happiness.
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