In this episode I discuss: My sexual journey, Captain Hook, my dysregulated nervous system, the lack of nuance in conversations about sex, me being a bird ass bitch, and being a sensualist.
Once again, thank y’all so much for the love. I’m BUILDING on here, honey. I appreciate the words. It keeps me moving. Don’t forget to become a paid subscriber for more exclusive content— more vulnerable content.
Here are the podcasts mentioned:
This bitch recently went viral on Substack for my thoughts on taking a break from intellectualism.
I wrote about the beauty of surrendering and stepping outside of being a sexy little nerd for the sake of regulating your nervous system and experiencing pleasure. As a ADHD girly, as a witty, fun-spirited Gemini Venus, as an Aquarius/Scorpio stellium, as a former psych major, and as a history nerd— I love analyzing shit and I love learning everything. I have new hyper fixations every week. Observing people and their behavior is just natural for me. I have an obsession with trying to know every damn thing. While I admire my ability to fill this brain up with as much knowledge as possible, I started to see how much it increased my anxiety.
During a therapy session, my therapist asked me, “Kamory, what do you do for rest?”
Here’s me, thinking I’ve mastered the art of resting and self-care— “Oh yeah, I rest all the time. I love listening to podcasts centered around mental health, I love watching videos by psychologists where they break down the different attachment styles, and I am obsessed with reading plenty of bell hook’s work. The self-help books are nice to read as well.”
Moment of silence.
“Kamory, you know that’s not REST, right? That is still WORK. You know your life purpose isn’t to work and heal all the time, right?”
Another moment of silence. “I—”
“Never thought about that? I figured. You are always in work mode even when you are resting. That explains why you are always so anxious and on edge and overstimulated. You are filling your brain up with so much information and it’s overload for you. Watch trash TV, travel when you can… escape.”
I had never really thought about this and when she said this to me, it scared me and hit me that I truly do always work— even when resting. I’ve never RESTED. I’ve never SURRENDERED. Because it all ties into this idea of control that I have. I want to control every single aspect of my life. How harmful. How poor. Her saying this shook me to my core.
While I’ve never made my intelligence my entire personality and those in my personal life know that I possess so many dimensions and sides to me— in my spare time, even during my ‘self-care’ days, I am over intellectualizing too much. As a Black woman, life is already hard enough working in a capitalist, racist, patriarchal society. I know enough— why don’t I think I deserve to REST? Why am I trying to understand everything? It was a reality check for me, as I am in my mid-20s, and I strive to create a meaningful life that I can look back on and be proud of.
I realize that while I’ll always be a critical thinker and a fine ass philosophical bitch, there is still so much to learn from science fiction novels and fantasy/sci-fi TV shows. There is even a lot to learn from trash TV like “Love and Hip Hop” and “Basketball Wives”. I don’t think I need to necessarily turn off my intellect, but I can channel it and pick up fresh perspectives and personal theories through media that isn’t so heavy and analytical— sparking innovative creative ideas and fueling my creative drive in a new way. That day, I watched Everybody Hates Chris and found myself crying tears of laughter. And then I thought about how there is a beauty and vulnerability in comedy, that is often looked over. The way Chris Rock was able to joke about living in poverty and make light of his family’s struggles, as well as his family member’s different personalities— was comedic gold. It was vulnerability. And I started thinking about how being vulnerable is often associated with sadness and dark shit, but seldom do we look at how comedians promote it with a lighthearted approach. This was just an example of me intellectualizing something that brought me laughter and pleasure, while still being able to enjoy the content and not lead me down a rabbit hole of my own trauma. I watched The Bernie Mac Show with a fresh pair of eyes at 25, and had immense gratitude for the way they portrayed Aunt Wanda and how she served as representation for older Black women who didn’t fit into the traditional Black wife role. I thought it was fucking beautiful. Just some examples of being able to still think while relaxing and getting away from the realities of your inner world.
My nervous system has become so fucking dysregulated because of me overintellectualizing every fucking thing and filling my brain up with so much new information (without me even realizing it), that I feel overstimulated every damn day. My body also feels stiff and tense because of this. So now, this bitch is doing the work of relaxing and getting back to being a hedonist— very on brand for a Taurus. It is incredibly hard and it is a process, but I most definitely deserve to enjoy the finer things in life (whatever is deemed fine to me). I am not a problem that constantly needs to be solved.
This bitch is tapping into her inner fantasies and writing stories. This bitch is stocking up on beauty products from Ulta. This bitch is revamping her apartment. This bitch is taking pole classes once again. This bitch is painting and romanticizing and building community. This bitch is masturbating every damn day. This bitch is speaking words of life into her body. This bitch is reconnecting with her body, mind, and spirit. This bitch is indulging in trash reality TV. This bitch is relaxing in her new, silk PJs and bonnet. This bitch is updating her Pinterest board. This bitch is off of social media. This bitch is done overexplaining herself. This bitch is learning the art of letting go. This bitch is trusting in divine timing. This bitch is prioritizing her pleasure. Because this bitch deserves it.
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