Confessions of a Black, Misunderstood Heaux.
don’t ask me how my day was if you don’t wanna know the answer, bitch.
Wow, 425 subscribers. I say this a lot, but I really be feeling like I don’t be saying shit frfr. I don’t think I say a lot of profound things. I just share my inner monologue and that always touches people. I’m constantly in a state of awe. I don’t always see how great I am. A lot of times I feel like a failure. A lot of times I think it is luck? But I always attract attention and praise— no matter where I go or no matter what I pivot to. Maybe I do have a gift. Maybe I am the chosen one. Thank you, guys. 🤎
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What are you scared of? For me, I’m scared of a lot of things. And sometimes I’m scared of my own brain. It’s been damaged, honestly. It doesn’t look like the normal brain on a brain scan, actually. I’m constantly in there— words and thoughts just running a mile a minute. And I envy those who can just shut their brains off and enjoy being in the moment. It’s an ADHD/PTSD/ABUSE VICTIM thing, I guess? In therapy, I became aware that there are people who can actually do that. And I experienced that firsthand when I started taking my ADHD medication. I’m like ‘wow, people really be walking around this motherfucka thoughtless. A quiet, calm mind’. While taking medication definitely helps me, it doesn’t cure the disorder entirely though. And nothing really cures trauma either.
I believe having ADHD has its positives and negatives but the negatives for me always outweigh the positives. My pattern recognition is insane. To the point where I almost feel psychic because I’ve always been able to predict exact situations down to the tiny and large details. I study people— I just don’t always make them aware. I pay attention to how someone says something, the way they word things, their body language, facial expressions, delivery, and their habits. I might forget things like the title of a movie or the title of song, but the important stuff— I’ll always remember. But the downside of pattern recognition is that a bitch is always on edge or paranoid— largely because I’m always right about my predictions? So it makes me extremely hypervigilant and guarded— causing me to immediately revert right back to keeping a guard up when I notice that I’ve shared a little too much, opened up a little too much, or exhibited behavior that goes against my lighthearted, emotionally unavailable, reserved nature. I’m constantly wondering if I’m depriving myself of living in the moment because I’m extremely attentive. Like nothing gets past me. NOTHING. I peep everything— good or bad… and it kills me. Literally.
I guess I can say another positive, but negative of ADHD is my creativity and my thought process. I’ve always had this special ability to convey ideas and concepts in a way that people never thought about before. Then, combined with my pattern recognition— it helps me in being able to come up with extremely clever ways of getting my work out there through social media and in real life. Ways that I’ll never share with anyone else. It’s just like… if you know you know. If you catch on you catch on. It’s served me well. My authentic presence combined with my cleverness has always helped me with amassing recognition and attention on separate platforms in my own way. It’s always helped me in networking and being able to connect with people who can help me get to where I aim to go. My creativity and open mindedness have fostered the most insane ideas ever. The con? I come up with so many ideas that reside in my notes app and start working on all of them at once, instead of focusing on one or two— creating a burnout that stifles me and puts me into this executive dysfunction that I absolutely HATE.
The overstimulation is the WORST part for me. I deal with kids at my job and every Friday morning (before I started medication) I used to get so frustrated. The sounds of newborn babies crying, toddlers screaming at the top of their longs, with the mix of the phones ringing and people asking me questions makes me extremely overwhelmed and frustrated to the point where I go into the bathroom and cry. It boils my blood. Often times, I would fidget with different things to cope— twirling my hair, playing with my nails, rocking back and forth, clicking my pen. It’s a lot. And while people act like ADHD is some cute quirk, I would pay top dollar NOT to have it. When I’m overstimulated, I would go into silent mode and I would not speak. I also would get very angry and pissed off. With medication, it’s not as bad whatsoever, but it still makes an appearance every so often. I’m definitely an angry Black bitch at times.
Then, don’t get me started on communication. I’m a very direct communicator and I refuse to be around people who are not the same way. Why? Not only because it stunts my own personal development, but as someone who falls on the neurodivergent spectrum, a bitch CANNOT talk in code. You sometimes have to spell shit out for me. Passive comments will fly right over my head because the only language I understand is directness. So, while you’re angry at me for not picking up on your very passive comment that highlighted your annoyance with me— I’m thinking everything is all fine and dandy. Because I don’t speak in code. That’s not a language I’m fluent in. I suspect I may have autism as well (I’m not sure, so I’ll never say I have it. I’m against self diagnosis!), as this has always been a thing for me my entire life. There are particular social cues that I haven’t picked up on, and then sometimes people make jokes that I take LITERALLY. I tell the truth a little TOO MUCH instead of lying.
Here’s an example:
Starbucks Barista, trying to make casual conversation: “So how was your day?”
In my mind, I saw this as an invitation to actually answer the fucking question. Instead of the typical small talk response, a bitch went headfirst into an honest, unfiltered account of my turbulent feelings—not realizing that my words would push the barista into a state of sheer bewilderment and confusion.
The expectation here is for a light-hearted response, quick comment about how busy the day has been or how the weather was nice. Instead, my answer cuts straight through the expected societal decorum:
“Well, I wanted to down a bottle of bleach today”, I say. “And I’ve actually been psyching myself out all day with my self deprecating thoughts and overthinking, so I’d say my day is pretty depressing and I feel a little suicidal I guess but this is just one day. I’ll be fine tomorrow”.
The result? A visibly uncomfortable barista, eyes wide like a deer stuck in headlights, eliciting a forced, inauthentic laughter while hurriedly putting on the lid to my caramel macchiato.
She mutters that she hopes I have a better day, and I’m left wondering “Well bitch where was the fucking disconnect? You asked a question. I responded”. Why the hell are motherfuckas asking questions they don’t truly want genuine answer to? I’m supposed to sit there and lie? What the hell? I don’t think like that. Why must I disguise the truth when it feels so freeing to be an honest bitch? Then I go down a rabbit hole thinking about how much society pushes lying culture and disingenuous interactions, sidelining honesty. Like bitch, I’d rather you NOT ask me how my day was if you aren’t prepared for raw truth. THE FUCK? I’m crazy for that?
It’s moments like those where I realize I was too honest and I failed to adhere to social cues that bring this shame and guilt and this feeling of inadequacy and alienation. I don’t know how to lie, and I guess that’s what society wants us to do when people ask us how our days have been. I don’t mask, either— because I feel as though that waters down the brilliance and essence that is ME— so I’ve always been sort of a loner or outcast. When I start new friendships, I take the time to explain my communication style and quirks to avoid misunderstandings. I cherish those who take the time to understand me, rather than dismiss my differences outright.. And I love the fuck out of them for taking the time to learn me, instead of immediately dismissing me. I get super excited when I meet people who I don’t feel like I have to perform or mask in front of.
Before medication, it was also very hard for me to follow conversations. Not because I was uninterested, but I’ll be focused on one particular part of what someone is saying to me. You could be telling me about an argument you had with someone in Target and then I’ll drift and start thinking about the last time I went to Target. People who know me and understand me, can easily detect when I’m disassociating and often snap me out of it and bring me back to the conversation. People who don’t know me take it as me not caring about what they are saying, when in all actuality I’m extremely intrigued by the conversation. So most times, I’ll circle back and ask questions that were already answered if I realize I’m disassociating. With medication, it’s been easier to follow conversations, but every now and then I can drift. It’s also made it easier to speak coherently without going on tangents. Most times, people would think I was self centered because of this, when in reality I’m just struggling with a disability that isn’t visible to the eye.
Now, let’s talk about the hyper focus. I have weeks or days where my focus is on point. I love these days, because I get a lot of shit done. But the con is that I forget to take care of basic needs. Like I’ll sit all day working on a project, forgetting to pee. Forgetting to eat. Forgetting to check up on loved ones. This is unhealthy, but I’ve always been big on giving myself grace because I understand that I have a disability. Those moments don’t come too often, so when they do? I lock in— completely alienating everyone who exists in my world, as well as basic needs.
I’ve also realized I’m very intense. This can be attributed to both my ADHD and my attachment style. Like don’t get me wrong, I’m an avoidant through and through, but I’m a FEARFUL avoidant. There is a difference.
I constantly shift through two different energies as far as romantic connections. One day, I’m all over you and absolutely intrigued by you. The next day, I’m anxious as hell and catch myself falling back because I just feel like I’m going to be disappointed or played. I’d rather be alone than to go through that, but I’m seeing that it’s unhealthy? I was talking to my therapist, Felicia, about this. I have this push-and-pull kinda, flighty thing I do because any type of intimacy slowly starts to scare me or freak me out. Yet I’m so intense and passionate about how someone makes me feel. Like I’ll write love letters and everything— and then the next day I don’t want to be bothered. I’m cool off you 😭 I self sabotage a lot— not only when it comes to relationships but even myself. I always gaslight myself instead of believing in me or choosing to see that I’m REALLY THAT GIRL. It’s something I’ve been actively working through during my therapy sessions. My childhood just consisted of very inconsistent parenting and behavior— and I model that now in adulthood. One minute my parents loved me, the next they just weren’t there for me. I was also made to feel like a disgrace for being such a sensitive, emotional rollercoaster. They were never patient with me as far as my emotions and failed to walk me through them— I just had to toughen up. I was emotionally neglected. It’s why it’s difficult for me to tell others I love them or to vocalize my care and concern, because I wasn’t raised in an environment that taught me how to do that. I have to learn how to do it now.
I don’t know y’all. I feel lonely a lot of the time. While yes, I have friends who absolutely adore me and have taken the time to understand me— that doesn’t take away from me feeling like an alien when I’m at social events or parties that push me into engaging with neurotypical people. Me having loving friends doesn’t automatically make me void of navigating life in a world that was never carved out for me. It’s a feeling I don’t wish for anyone. I’m often sad and sometimes I get in these modes where I completely disengage from people and social media platforms because I get in my head about a lot of shit. Having ADHD, having severe trauma, having a disability automatically makes life LONELY. I’ve been through a lot— domestic violence, sexual assault, childhood abuse— and navigating life looks VERY different for me compared to plenty of Black girls my age. I often feel like a damn alien, like I don’t belong on this Earth and rather— a different planet. I guess that’s why I love X-Men and superheroes in general so much, because they all remind me of myself. I love Marvel. I love DC. I feel like I have this possession of superpowers that both SCARES people and intrigues them. Superpowers that will either make people eager in getting to know you, because of how it looks to be seen with you, and powers that also repel others and evoke a disgust from others. I often fear not being able to build community, not being able to sustain a relationship, and being unable to accomplish certain goals because of it. That fear hovers over me every single day, but I guess it’s one day at a time, right?
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#YAPSESHHH 💋🌹🤎🍒
sound off in the comments!
What are your experiences with being Neurodivergent/A trauma victim and navigating life/adulthood?
How are you coping?
What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about ADHD?
In what ways has Neurodivergence or Trauma affected your life?
Share some tips/advice you’ve picked up🤎
Nah that Starbucks story made me chuckle but so real I thought she should’ve gave you a free pastry if she really cared about your day lol
You are so not alone, sweetie. We out here. I'd write more but my AuDHD self is in overwhelm right now so...words. You ever consider that you might be autistic as well? The social cues thing. Just sayin.