What Happens When You Don't Feel Pretty Anymore?

What happens when you don’t feel attractive anymore? And before you answer that with a list of hacks and tips: What happens if someone has tried everything? Truth is, I do not feel pretty anymore. Do I know I am pretty? Yes. Do I feel pretty? No. It’s like the equivalent to knowing that you’re powerful, but not feeling that way. People tell me to fake it till I make it, but that gets tiring. You know? Why can’t I just be honest in saying I do not feel attractive? It’s like women are almost not supposed to be honest about this. We have to sit and act like we feel like bad bitches even if we do not. Which, to be honest, I’m not knocking it. Do what you can to feel about yourself, girl. But where is the representation for the pretty girls that do not feel pretty? I’d love to hear some raw honesty about that. I don’t really like who I see when I look in the mirror, if I’m being honest.

Everyday I sit in my space and try to figure out innovative ways to get over this hump. I’ve researched subconscious cognitive rewiring and everything. But the feeling just doesn’t disappear. I’ve never in my life felt this low about my physical looks. It’s odd. And it’s also new for me. As a woman, I’m used to feeling this way every now and then. But waking up every single day not feeling attractive is really fucking with me and making me angry.

Expressing these feelings to people seems so useless and stupid because people are always like “What? You’re so pretty. What are you talking about?” Rarely does anyone try to sit down and have a conversation with me to understand why I feel this way. It’s just always immediate dismissal, which I do not feel is intentional in any way, because that is how society programs us to respond to comments like those, especially when coming from someone who is deemed beautiful to plenty. When women who are generally considered attractive speak about feeling ugly and dissatisfied with their looks, it’s almost like we aren’t extended humanization as compared to someone who wouldn’t be considered conventionally attractive. People sit down with them and speak life into them and hear them out. With pretty girls, it’s just, ‘Girl, you’re crazy. Just get out the house and go meet some niggas.’ There isn’t enough space for me to talk about these things.

Plus, people be thinking you’re an attention seeker when you’re honest about these things. Again: especially if you’re considered conventionally attractive. I don’t see what everyone else sees anymore. I feel like what we call in Philly, ‘Ard.’ 

Honestly, I’ve been feeling this way from last November to now. I know exactly what started it. There were various things I was going through that impacted my self-perception. Kamory had always been that girl who loved a thirst trap. Loved posting selfies. She just knew she was the prettiest girl and everyone had to see her face. And then, everything changed. It’s gotten worse now that I’m 26. I’ve reached that age where I’m not old, but I’m definitely not a child either. I’m a young woman– still developing, still coming into myself, still figuring myself out. Once I hit 26, I started feeling this immense pressure to look like other women my age. See, I’m really petite. Really small. But I do have a shape, I guess. A tiny waist, hips, and an ass. But still little, nonetheless. There’s this pressure I put on myself to put on ‘grown woman’ weight. Deep down, I feel like I look like a fucking child. I don’t feel… womanly. My friends tell me I’m just in my head, but it’s very hard for me to feel confident in my body when I’m constantly hit with the, “Oh my god, you’re 26? But you’re sooooo tiny. I mean, the ass makes up for it, but you look young,” is what one Black woman said to me. 

“You’re so small. What do you eat?,” another older Black woman says to me. 

I don’t know. Is being small as a Black woman a horrible thing? When I seen Jada Pinkett in Jason’s Lyric, I thought she was pretty sexy. When I see Tyla and Coi Leray, I feel the same way about them. But when I go on social media and I see how the women my age are built in comparison to me, it makes me incredibly insecure. I seen a video on TikTok where a woman was saying it’s unattractive to be a size 0 at 25. And while these things shouldn’t bother me, they do. They bother me a lot. Because while yes, social media isn’t an actual, tangible place, we cannot act like it is not a place that is reflective of society’s thoughts. When I go to my Grandmother’s house, she’s always mentioning my weight. And I even remember going to some kickback years ago with a friend, where I was randomly thrown shots at by a man I didn’t even know, who made it his mission to say he wasn’t attracted to women who are built like me in front of a group of people. It stuck with me forever. I was embarrassed. Plus, the comment was unexpected. I was minding my damn business.

So yes, it irritates me. Being called ‘cute,’ ‘innocent’, and ‘adorable’ are not the words I thought people would be using to describe me at this age. Unless I’m wearing makeup and fitted clothing, it’s like I get infantilized by people. I hate it. 

Then face-wise, I just don’t like what I see. I don’t. Again, it’s not so much about me not knowing I am pretty, but it’s this lack of feeling that way. I don’t feel like that bitch. I don’t feel attractive. I don’t feel comfortable in my body. I think everything is wrong with me. My face, my teeth, my large, doe-eyes, my round face, my lips. I actually hate getting up in the morning and looking at myself. I hate looking at my body. 

Yes, I’ve gone to the gym. Yes, I’ve repeated affirmations to myself. Yes, I’ve prayed about it. Yes, I’ve done all the confidence booster things you can think of. But I do. Not. feel. Attractive. It’s been about 7 months and I feel ugly. I hate being visually perceived, I jump out of group pictures when I notice someone taking a pic, I cover my face when I notice someone’s recording, I’ve avoided filming my podcast because I do not like the way I look. It’s not too many spaces to talk about it either. I guess because people perceive me as this loud mouth, yapper bitch who should be confident anyway. There's confidence there when it comes to my intellect and how I can hold a conversation. There’s even confidence I have when it comes to how impactful I am, I think. But when it comes to my looks? The confidence is in the trash. And I’m not writing this for attention or anything– I just wanted to get it out. Maybe it’ll help me feel better about myself, I don’t know. I’ve tried everything. I guess I just have to wait until this feeling passes.