Structure? What Is That?

I'm A Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

I’d like to consider myself the pivot queeeeeen. After speaking to my sister, I realized that I’ve really lived a thousand lives. It makes sense, considering I have ADHD. First, I wanted to be a teacher. Then, I was a psych major and was so sure I wanted to be a therapist. Then after that, I was a podcaster. Did you know I was a bottle girl for one week until my anxiety got the best of me? I also used to be a warehouse supervisor, but them niggas got on my nerves. Then, I was an Urban Outfitters manager, which was fun— but like… retail not for me. I worked at a non-profit for some time, but it was too mundane. Then, I wanted to get into creative direction and I wanted to be a brand strategist. Now, I wanna be a writer. Bottom line, my life has always just been centered around my constant curiosity and impulsivity. I pivot so much, that I just KNOW my family be confused as hell. Like, bitch when will you decide what you wanna be and what you wanna do? But I realized, why the fuck I can’t do it all? My siblings have followed a vastly different path from me. Kamory has always been the wild child. The child that would touch the stove even if my parents told me not to, because I was curious. The child that never stayed on path. My attention always pivoting to some new hobby or interest.

I don’t think I was created to be doing one particular thing. Shit, I’m not even ONE particular thing. I have so many different sides and personalities and alter egos to me. One day, I’m serving boho earthy girl, the next it’s giving maximalist ingenue, and then the day after it’s gon give full on 90s kinda fine. One day, I’m loud and bold and confident and the next day I dive into quiet introspection becoming dare I say it—humble— because I’m a little too overstimulated from the slight narcissism from the day prior. Basically, I’m like if Nola Darling and Issa Rae produced a child together. They would get a Kamory Rose. My life is just like theirs. I used to say it was chaotic, but that isn’t the best word I’m realizing. More like, I be having so many chance encounters, synchronicities, and experiences that are worthy of a fucking TV show or movie. My life is cinematic, but morbid at the same fucking time. I be going through shit and just be waiting for the Punk’d crow to pop out. I be looking into that imaginary camera every time I go through some shit.

So, chaotic? No. More cinematic if anything. A bitch is frequently wondering if I am the only one who keeps having these crazy ass experiences. Like I have some CRAZY ass stories. A long time ago, me and my friends almost got sex trafficked and kidnapped one time. Hopped in a random stranger’s car that we met in a D.C. bar and drove to Baltimore with them and witnessed a whole drop and everything. Very psychotic behavior. They bought us snacks though. Good times. But that’s a story for another day.

On Thanksgiving, my sister asked to use my phone to play some music on the Bluetooth speaker. I’m like sure, that shouldn’t be a problem as long as my sister is in my eyesight. I look over five minutes later, tell me why this girl is skimming through my pictures, videos, and text messages. Obviously I felt violated, and so I snatched my phone up and went to my mother. I explained to her that this was a violation of my boundaries and privacy, to which my mother says, “Well Kamory, our lives are boring. You be having more fun. We like to live through you.”

I’m like these niggas really think my life is a Lifetime movie. LMAOOO. Granted, I was fake upset. But like… MA’AM???

And I be saying I may have autism because when people be asking me how I’m doing, I dead don’t be lying. But it’s not like I’m trying to ruin the mood… it’s just that my brain does not know how to give the performative, socially acceptable responses to people. Plus, I be feeling like why lie? I be brutally honest and I’m trying to work on masking so that I can give a more palatable response that isn’t so off putting. There’s this dark sense of humor I have, too. I be joking about