Stoned By Kam, LLC.
The Healing Power of a Drunk Girls Night.
You know, I lied so bad to y’all on here. Fairytale love in fact, does NOT exist lmaooo. At least not for me. That is how I’ve been feeling. I got my feelings hurt and got my heart broken, but what I’ve noticed about me is that I seldom open up to my friends about how I am feeling and what I am going through. I hold it all in and try to deal with it myself (how avoidanttttt LMAOOOO). I’ll tell them the surface level version of what’s going on, but I hate getting DEEP. So my friends are often left out the loop about the things I am going through— which to be honest, I need to stop doing that shit. We decided to have a girls night at my place and we got drunk like we were on Love and Hip Hop and just started talking shit about niggas and spilling our heaux tales. Of course, the conversations were too hilarious for me to not hit ‘record’. I’m like bro, I gotta get this shit on audio. Not video though, because we were all in our bonnets, wearing PJs with our fuzzy slippers on drunk as hell off BuzzBalls and spiked Arizona Iced Teas.
I decided to tell them the full version of what happened, instead of being super vague— and in that conversation, I realized that the reason I be feeling so lonely is because I hate opening up to mothafuckas. If I had BEEN did this, I would see that I’m not so alone in my feelings and emotions and experiences. Which is the importance of what? Community. Friendships. Vulnerability. Honesty.
“I’m Tryna Figure Out Why The Fuck You Thought You Were The Problem”
Of course with anything, I be feeling like you need to take your homegirl’s advice and thoughts with discernment because only YOU can truly know the intricate dualities and emotions and nuances that exist within your personal experiences, but it’s nice to receive thoughts from someone else’s point of view after you’ve decided to full on vent about what the fuck is going on, instead of trying to be the ‘strong friend’ who is okay all the fucking time.
**I wasn’t crying, I was just laughing while speaking** 😭
“Assistant Director of Stoning Niggas, Inc.”
We don’t promote violence over here, but this really how niggas be making me feel sometimes, y’all. They are so selfish and there is seldom any self reflection on their end— EVER. They are really good for making you feel like you’re the problem. They also do an exceptional job at implying it, too. The shit never fails to amaze me! I wish I possessed the selfishness of a man— but that isn’t me. Well, at least not in this era of my life. I’m a changed woman :)
”It Wasn’t A Regular Curve”
This nigga really had a horse dick that humbled the fuck outta me. I in fact, don’t know what the fuck I’m doing😭😭😭😭 When he first slid that shit in, it was the most pleasurable, painful experience but I ain’t wanna go out like no bitch so I ain’t say shit bro LMAOOOO. Niggas with big dicks gotta know that shit is a bit too much because ain’t no way. I was not prepared. My mental wasn’t right. I was scared as hell and it put me in this state of shock😭 That moment was by far my WORST sexual performance ever.
Captain Hook: “throw that shit back”
Me:
Looking back, I’m not even in the right headspace to be sexually active or dating/in a relationship right now. I’m not. I thought I was ready. I was so excited to finally be fucking and loved again. But I realized I have too much trauma to work through as far as sex and intimacy, and what served me a year ago sexually— no longer serves me. I have to relearn my body. I have to reconnect with it. I had a very tumultuous year and I’m still recovering from a lot! My sexual needs have shifted. My approach to it is completely different now. I’m in my head too much now more than ever. I don’t know. This is definitely not the time to be fucking or loving a nigga. I’m anxious about a lot. I don’t trust men. I’m constantly on edge around men. I fear getting assaulted around men. I fear getting raped around men. I fear… a lot. And I recently realized it has now spilled into my sex life and my body. Trauma is stored in the body and I need to regulate my nervous system to have more enjoyable sex. I have my fun moments sexually, but I’m often… disconnected because my body no longer feels like mine. I feel like a stranger in it at times. Which explains me re-investing in pole dance classes again and going back to the gym. I’ve also been practicing mindfulness, meditation, and yoga to help me in feeling more connected.
Megan actually touched on this in her documentary and I’m happy I finally found the clip. Many lack the knowledge on how trauma shows up after you’ve experienced it:
Seeing this was so validating for me, because I recently was just in that position. It was super late and I started freaking out. Having random panic attacks is normal for me. At one point, I would frequently go to the emergency room because of them. So seeing this representation was so healing for me in a weird way. If Megan going through it, it’s okay for me to be as well.
I’m not the type to sit around and cry for too long though. So why not make a joke out of it?😂 we love dark humor with some tears over here.
I really needed to laugh, bro. LMAOOOO. Hearing my friends say they’ve been where I’m at was so validating. We started talking about our trash coochie experiences and were crying real tears over the shit. Sounding like some fucking hyenas.
“You Be Dogging Niggas Out… He Don’t Know!”
The way I really hate these men, y’all… yet i try to be a changed woman. Ughhh. I wanna go back to my Left Eye ways and say fuck all the bell hooks 101. But I’ve come too far. I know my fairytale romance is right around the corner for me. I just feel it. I sense it. I don’t want to convert to how I used to be, but I just need to do some soul work on my body and my mental and my spirit until that time comes around. Until then, I’m single as a Pringle. I just know my soulmate/twin flame is out there looking for me. I’m doing the work now in getting myself together for them, so I can be the best woman possible to whoever my person is.
“We Treacherous”
Because have y’all ever took a nigga somewhere you done took 500 other niggas to? 😭 And the workers there looking at you like “you ain’t shit” 😭 niggas do it all the time though, so 🤷🏽♀️ is it REALLY that serious?
A lot of times, I feel like women are demonized for moving in the same way as men. Men hate it when women know their playbook and pull the same moves. It irritates them causing them to be in this frequent state of paranoia when they engage with women they’re dating. They fear being played in the way that they do to women. Why? Because their egos are fragile. And I think that men have been conditioned to kinda establish their dominance in relationships with women, because it gives them a sense of control.
Just an overall fun night and another form of therapy for me🤎🍾💋✨
I encourage you to call on your tribe when you’re going through things or feeling emotions you don’t quite understand. Don’t hold it in. That’s what your people are there for. You can’t care for yourself entirely without a support system. 🤎💫
When I tell you I was hooked all the way through!
God, you wrote my mind in your letter. I have been feeling this way for a while now😭🥹. I was reflecting and giggling from start to finish🤭. I love it!😂