Pregnancy Is In The Air, Y'all.

Kam's SOUNDTRACK VOL 004.

Where have I been lately? I don’t know. I feel like I’m going through spiritual warfare. Well, for a while I was going through that. Not now, though. I thought someone put some shit on me. It all happened after a fated encounter. I got paranoid someone cursed me. But I was experiencing initiation… not only into my spiritual gifts and reconnecting with my roots, but initiation into the next era of my life. It took me out my comfort zone because I’m like, “I do not act like this, what is going on?"

Y’all ever met someone that triggered a spiritual awakening for you? Or I’m bugging? It’s kinda hard to talk about these things without looking crazy. I guess only the awakened will catch my drift.

The Scorpio Full Moon started on Monday and there was something about that where I just felt an old layer of me shedding. I now know who I am. For some time, I ain’t really know. I was still finding myself. Testing different styles out, being open to trying new things, opening myself up to different beliefs and stuff. Now, I know. While I do believe that we do evolve and transform as we mature and that this isn’t the final form of me, I do feel like I’ve closed a cycle of constantly questioning where I come from, what my purpose is, and why I keep attracting the types of men that I do. It was all for a purpose. So, I’ve finally stopped comparing myself to other people who are my age.

The work that I do on myself is work that I’m realizing plenty are not doing on themselves. I don’t say this in a “I’m better than you”-kinda way. It’s more of like… a self-aware thing. My therapist always makes me aware of this. This is WORK. Real, raw work that is painful and gutting and sometimes embarrassing. It is brutally honest and has no place for ego. People are not doing that. Not as much as I thought. Because a lot of people like to avoid themselves. I don’t like doing that. Because it keeps you from so many wonderful connections and experiences. And so naturally, I’m always a mirror to people who wear masks and put up facades. I’m a mirror to people who have no thoughts of their own— just blindly following whatever was instilled in their brains by their parents, their culture, and society at large. I’m a mirror to people who have shame around their embarrassing or less-than-stellar experiences. I’m raw as hell. I’m a mirror to people who have never sat down with themselves and had lunch with every single demon, shadow side, and not-so-pretty parts of themselves. There’s no room for fake around me because I won’t allow it. I thought I was cursed. I always run people away and for a long time I thought maybe I was unlovable because of how much I see through people. But, it was simply a gift.

And it’s not like I bring things that I see to the awareness of people, because that isn’t my place. I’m just me. And it scares people. Truly. They project their insecurities on to me and try to make it seem like I’m the problem. Not to say that I can’t be the problem, but I’ve most definitely had situations with people where I know for a fact that I wasn’t.

Late September to now, I’ve been going through the motions. I didn’t ask for any of the experiences I had, but I had no choice because they were fated to happen anyway. And now, as a way to honor all that I’ve gone through, I’m stepping into my play era. Play and passion, baby.

I haven’t done the whole playlist thing in a while though! These last six months have been a whirlwind. Here are some songs that explain what I’ve been going through.

1. T.O.N.Y. by Solange

This song just…hits. I don’t even think I need to explain, honestly. I’ve explained in multiple times in so many ways that I’ve had enough talking about it. But, in a weird way my jarringly-similar experience has had a profound impact on me finding my purpose. I hope that one day I find a man who really loves me, though. I don’t think it’s in my purpose, but maybe one day. This person just wasn’t my person as much as I thought they were, I don’t know. They were sent to initiate me I’m thinking. Moving on to requited love and reciprocation and emotional availability. It wasn’t any of those things and that’s fine. I wasn’t their cup of tea. I was discarded, disposed of, and ignored. I was constantly confused, subject to cold behavior despite showing up wanting to communicate openly, asking questions, and being my nurturing, warm self. I guess I tried to romanticize it because I didn’t wanna see it for what it was. But, I’m okay now because I know what I deserve romantically. Open communication, grounded love, stability, clarity, curiosity, consistency, and direction. I wish T.O.N.Y. the absolute best in life because he’s an amazing person to me still.

2. Under Control, The Internet

The reason this song sticks is because it was the song that playing when I was freaking out to my ancestors about never measuring up to what I want to be in life. And one particular part stuck out to me: I need you to know, it’s under control. And as it unfolds, I got you I promise. I promise I’m on it.

Me, not knowing the future actually scares me. But, my ancestors have shown me time and time again that they will not fail me. Through songs, movies, shows, conversations, etc. I have such a strong connection with Josephine, specifically. She’s actually not gone. She’s still here with me. So, I’m never lonely.

3. All I Do, Stevie Wonder

Can we talk about how Stevie was conjuring in this song? He really was! This man said, “I light a candle every day and pray you’ll always feel this way.” Like boy… he must’ve really been in love. I wonder who this woman was. I wonder what is was about her that had him feeling this way? Because I felt this way for a while about someone within these last couple months, but I’ve finally let go of this idea of him being my person.

Nonetheless, this is a song that definitely was heavily in rotation for me. To be honest, a lot of Stevie’s songs were on my playlist. He’s a fellow Taurus, so he is the perfect representation of how we love. We’re very fixed and stubborn, so when we like someone we really get tunnel vision on that person. Why? We barely like anyone, so we figure it must be cosmic or fated if you catch our attention and keep it. Once we really like someone, we already start placing them in our futures, thinking about building with them and everything. We can stop talking to a motherfucka and in our heads we still have this, “It’s not over” kinda mindset because we’re already set on you being our person. The delusion of it all. We have control issues, us Earth signs.

4. Have My Babies?, Isaiah Falls

Outta nowhere I just developed baby fever at 26. I don’t know why. I wanna have babies, but I don’t need to have babies right now— I’m fully aware. It’s just this feral urge in me right now. It’s so crazy.

I dream of motherhood and pregnancy and I don’t know why. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I wanna name my kids and everything. I can’t explain it. I have a big vision of me having a bunch of kids now. I’m obsessed with pregnancy and I actually was looking into how to become a doula. There’s this vast imagination I have of how I wanna decorate my future home, where I wanna live, and the home I wanna establish when I do have a family. I get a lot of inspo from Homeworthy videos, where I watch couples talk about the inspiration behind their home decor and how each piece holds a meaning to their relationship.

Watching Homeworthy— it just amplifies my vision. Family is real important for me. I need babies of my own because I wanna create the home I never had and keep certain ancestral traditions going.

I’m an Earth sign and a 4h stellium. I love being home, I love decorating the home, I love hosting family events, I love planning home events. That’s just my forte. I love it.

Maybe I’m having these visions because I’m pregnant with creative ideas and abundance is on the way for me. I don’t know. The day before Mother’s Day, my friend sent me a text saying she hopes I’m a mother next year LMAOOOO. And right before seeing that I had picked up a Juno DVD my mom had sitting in her car. Juno is about a girl who goes through an unplanned pregnancy.

And then a couple hours later, I was watching this YouTube video by Jhadina, where she was saying, “Whoever is watching this, make sure you’re protecting yourself when you’re having sex within these next couple months, you are very fertile right now.” My aunt has also been telling me she keeps having dreams of fish and me being pregnant.

Then, On Mother’s Day, I kept getting symbols of babies and fertility. I asked my ancestors for clarity on what these visions meant, and I pulled the Empress Card. If you know anything about tarot, the Empress represents the Taurus woman and is associated with fertility, pregnancy, creative power, and abundance. Later that day, I randomly seen a rabbit in the park that walked over to me and stared at me. My mom was actually in awe that the rabbit was so comfortable standing next to me without fear. It stuck around for a good five minutes, us having a stare contest. When I thought about rabbits and what that symbolized— it spooked me.

Maybe we’ll revisit this next year. If I’m pregnant next year (I don’t know who this mystery man is), we’ll use the text thread with my friend as the baby shower backdrop.

But, that’s not all. I’m actually going through a fucking sexual awakening. I’m downright feral. It’s absolutely insane.

It’s becoming so very clear what I need to enjoy sex and be fully in the moment. I need emotional and intellectual connection. I need astral, cosmic like sex that feels like I’m levitating into another realm. I want to be having sex with my divine partner. I want to be having sex with the person who recognizes my soul and is all too familiar with my body. I want it to be so good that I cry. I want it to be so great that I’m constantly having pregnancy scares.

I cannot be having sex with anyone who doesn’t see me. Intellectual conversation is cool or whatever, but nigga do you know my favorite color? Do you know what overstimulates me? Do you know my triggers? Do you know my deepest, darkest secrets? Do you know how I like my eggs? Do you even know my favorite water brand? Do you have conflict resolution skills? Are you even vulnerable with me? AmI vulnerable with you? And is my vulnerability held in your hands like a precious red ruby or nah? Do you pray for me? Do I pray for you? If not, I don’t want the sex. Ima be in my head too much. Ima disconnect. I’m not gonna be in it, Even if it seems like I am. I’m a very spiritual, divine bitch and my ancestors told me I was never meant to just be fucking on anybody. Can’t be fucking just any nigga. Your soul needs to be feel familiar for me. You gotta feel like home.

5. Ghetto Cinderella, Blxst

Being someone who comes from the hood, I always appreciate songs that paint us in a positive light and shows some love to us. I think being a Black girl who doesn’t come from a polished background, I often feel a little insecure when I’m around women who have a different background from me. Not because I’m ashamed of where I’m from, but because of how they often make me feel less-than with their snarky, shady comments. It was the dynamic in my last friendship. However, I’m realizing I feel more at home and at peace being around women who share similar backgrounds with me. Public school, bottom-shelf liquor from time to time, coming from the trenches.

Plus, there’s this misconception that if you’re from the hood, that you can’t be smart or intelligent in the way others are. People constantly try to diminish your value and act like you’re not who you say you are. Your intelligence will always be questioned and doubted, not because they’re trying to challenge you intellectually, but because plenty don’t believe in you.

I’ve learned so much from Black women in the hood. And to be honest, we’re the trendsetters and the real innovators. I often think of Sexyy Red and her lip gloss line. The names of her lip glosses were a little ‘much,’ but it was A1 marketing and helped her gain recognition which ultimately led to financial stability for her, with the ability to promote her music. Now look at my bitch! All eyes on her! We always the underdogs, but it’s cool. Y’all always catch on later.

This song makes me feel good about myself. It just does. Yeah, I’m a little rough around the edges and a little too “aggressive.” I be cursing niggas out and spazzing on people, but my heart is pure and I don’t be having nothing but genuine intentions with people. I’m still getting my shit together, but at least I’m trying. I don’t wanna be here forever. It’s nice when someone sees the value in you. That’s what this song does for me. It’s a love letter to the girls that shape the hood.

6. What It Is, Amber Mark

Constant replay, man. What is the meaning of life? What is really going on? Is this like some cosmic, celestial shift going on? Why are all these synchronistic events going on? Ancestors, PLEASE TELL ME THE PURPOSE! Universe, PLEASE TELL ME THE PURPOSE! But my people are teaching me that life isn’t meant to be controlled. It’s supposed to be experienced. It demands presence and full immersion in the moment.

Sometimes, people are sent to help you put the puzzle pieces together. Sometimes, events and situations happen to force you into another trajectory in your life. Life is funny like that. That’s been life for me right now.

6. Simple Things, USHER

Usher gets me. I’m a Taurus woman, so naturally I’m a sucka for some kinda stability. I like having some material things, but I’m also hyperaware that material, tangible shit isn’t everything. I like real, raw connection and intimacy. I like conversation. I like honesty. I’ve always valued that in relationships, but niggas love running from themselves. It’s really the ‘simple’ things I enjoy, and I quote that because to be honest, they really aren’t simple. The ‘simple’ things that we overlook and undervalue are things that really push humanity forward. But in relationships, we place too much emphasis on the material world, I feel.

Don’t get me wrong, I really do love gifts and money and all those thangssss. But, it won’t keep me. I’ll be gone. And fast.

7. Good Looking Adjectives, Akeem Ali

I’ve had to really speak life into me these last couple months. I really have. I kinda lost my confidence a little. I hate taking pictures. But I’ve been learning to become more comfortable with being visually perceived as I am going back to visual podcasting pretty soon. There are a lot of things about myself that I do not like physically, but I’m working on it. This song is super important for me!

I discovered Akeem because someone I followed had this playing in the background. I just knew when I went on his Instagram that he was a Leo. And I was right y’all! I be on point. If you haven’t already, go check out his music. Plus he fine as hell, so it’s like… a win-win.

---

Now, y’all tell me… what songs are on your playlist? Put me on in the comments!

Also, make sure y’all are following my new blog, for Josephine! I just gave y’all another channeled message for the week.

letters from source 002: your ancestors want you to step into your grown n sexy era.

There is also an Instagram I created for this platform. We already at 100+ followers!! YAY!!!

I have a visual podcast coming out soon. My podcast is pivoting from here to YouTube.