Guys! I’m back. With a new installment of my life soundtrackkkk. The overall themes for this month were: passion, discipline, hustle, love, fantasy, and pleasure.
I’ve been writing everyday. I actually can’t believe how freeing it feels to lose yourself in your own shit. Like, I really have become a workaholic. But only when it comes to my work. Actually, scratch that. This isn’t even work for me. This is joy. This is pleasure. This is fun. These words are the inner workings of my brain. My world translated in blog posts, shared to an audience. This definitely isn’t work. It’s self-love. This feeling is new for me because I’ve always worked in groups or helped others with their projects, considering their visions and input. But this run? It’s different and it’s all me. I feel free as fuck.
In Vol. 1, I was talking about how much I needed a break, my openness to romantic love, a crush I had (LMAOOOOOOO), and the future I envisioned in my head. This month, my thoughts have completely shifted from all of that (I just lied so bad lmaoooo). I’m really just in me mode. Just grinding. Just hustling. Just changing my surroundings, doing whatever brings me pleasure, and pouring into my passion projects while juggling work and paying bills (*sighs*). I dream about my creations, I get excited about my creations, I frequently talk about what I am creating with others. It’s almost like I am in a healthy relationship with my art and my craft. It is the only thing I think about. I am obsessed with what I am putting out, daydreaming about the day someone important comes across it. Daydreaming about the day I get my big break. So, most of these songs are a reflection of my burgeoning transition into womanhood and as a more disciplined creative. I also included some songs that are a little lovey dovey because I am a LOVER GIRL.
Charismatic, Hailey Knox
“If you like me, wait till you see what I got underneath”
This is such a sexy, dark feminine song. It gives off femme fatale. I really enjoy it because of the confidence exuded in the track. She’s basically like, “Yeah nigga, I’m very much so THAT, stop playing me.”
I’m a very charismatic person and for some reason I have this magnetic energy that draws people to me. On God, I’m not trying to be a cocky bitch (or maybe I am?). That’s just what it is. A lot of times people perceive bubbly, sociable people as ‘too friendly’ and ‘joe’ (in Philly that’s how we refer to people who just do too much or allow ANYBODY in), but nah. I’m just charismatic and I like talking. That doesn’t mean you can be my friend though.
Control, Janet Jackson
“Control, career moves
Control, I do what's right for me
Control, and me wants to groove, is that ok?”This song/era was birthed from Janet after she decided she wanted to break off from her father’s direction and management in pursuit of her own vision and creativity. Her first two albums, Janet Jackson and Dream Street, didn’t feel like anything that stemmed from Janet. In fact, in her documentary she actually touched on this. She wanted to take control of her life and embark on a journey that embraced this new stage of womanhood she was in.
This is where I’m at. I mean… I’m in the middle of a quarter life crisis and I feel like I talk about the shit almost every blog post, but that’s just what it is. Ever since I turned 25, I realize I’m outgrowing friends, hobbies, certain music, and mindsets that were holding me back. Now, I feel like a brand new woman. It’s so strange. But at the same time it’s like… am I surprised? I possess this clarity I never had before about community, friendships, my core values, likes/dislikes, my own behavior, and my future. I think deeply about all of my decisions and I understand now more than ever that I am the ONLY one in control of my life right now.
Boss, The Carters
“Ain’t nothing to it, real one”
I’m so anti-capitalist, but this entire album is a vibe, really. Hypocritical? Maybe. But I’m really just a fan of the way this album makes me feel. I picture myself already where I want to be, sitting poolside sipping champagne with my lova. This song, in particular, is really just what I play as I’m working on projects or being creative. It gives me motivation to continue— that’s really all there is to it.
That Girl, Stevie Wonder
“That girl knows every single man
Would ask her for her hand
But she says her love is much too deep
For them to understand
She says her love has been crying out
But her lover hasn't heard
But what she doesn't realize is that
I've listened to every word
That's why I know I'll tell herThat I love her, that I want her”
I just love the way Stevie characterizes this woman. Nothing sexual or lusty, just admiring her for confidence, intellect, and depth. There’s nothing sexier than a man who sees you outside of your body/sexuality! Men who study you, learn you, understand you. He is this woman’s biggest fan and supporter, yet she’d never know.
My number one love language is words of affirmation. And I feel like Stevie was describing me throughout this whole song, so naturally I just feel like it’s a personal love letter for me. Delusional, right? Maybe. But this is definitely a song that gets me through.
I’ve always been in love with Stevie’s ability to create such beautiful soundscapes full of vibrant imagery even with this nigga being BLIND YALL!!!! Like that is a fucking talent. He really one of them ones.
Notebook, Chrisette Michele
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to act like you don't mean a thing?”
Ard, so like… I know y’all be saying this girl is cancelled but she put her whole entire pussy in this song. I have like 3 crushes right now and so this song just speaks to my spirit! I am the type to develop crushes and write about them— whole time they may be thinking I’m uninterested 😭 like I’m not boutta go out sad like that so ima just write about you and include you in my delusions in peace. My journal consists of all of my silly little childish crushes and made up, romantic scenarios with each one 😭 Like all of them are my husbands in my head. I am a fearful avoidant, but I am such a fucking lover girl at the same damn time. It’s hard for me to express to someone how much I really do like them and I can only hope they catch hints through jokes and witty banter because I just refuse to go out sad. I am WORKING on it though, I swear.
I was actually at my Mom’s house the other day, thinking no one was home (as my Mom had left out to run some errands) and I grabbed a Bluetooth speaker and blasted this song on repeat. I had a hairbrush in my hand, singing my little heart out to the words of this song, jumping on the bed, whipping my hair back and forth— a whole entire concert dedicated to three different niggas— one in particular though. I was singing the adlibs and everything. And then my sister walked in the room and just started laughing at me. I was so embarrassed y’all 🤣
Here is some audio of me being delulu:
Softly, Amber Mark
“Ask me about my feelings
I'm your genie
Rub me down, oh, so sweetly (if you do now, baby)
If you do then, maybe, I just might..”This is such a sexy ass song. I recently realized that I’m a sensualist when it comes to sex. Everything has to be right in order for me to be turned on. All five of my senses NEED to be stimulated and I must have an emotional connection with someone before we engage in any kind of sex.
The room has to smell good with some candles or incense, the environment has to look aesthetically pleasing, I need to be sitting on laying on something that feels good on my skin or wearing something that feels great, there needs to be some good music playing in the background (or silence), and I need to be in the presence of some good food or wine. If it’s not that and some good conversation, sorry to you. We’re not fucking. You’re not about to fuck me in your room and your brothers and sisters in the background yelling and hollering over what TV show to watch next. We not about to be fucking and it’s gunshots ringing off in the background. We’re not fucking without any type up foreplay leading up to the act. Have you even asked how my day was? What my visions are? The status of my current passion projects? I need to be treated like a lady. If not, this coochie will never pop for you!
Float, Janelle Monae
“Had to forgive all my frenemies
They are not who they pretend to be
I had to protect all my energy
I'm feelin' much lighter, now I float”I’ve said this a million times but a bitch really feel like an entirely different person! I’ve received plenty of good news this month and I’m so excited! I feel like me pouring into my creativity on my solo dolo has been more freeing than any collaborative work I’ve ever done. I don’t feel restricted or held back. It’s whatever I want to do. I feel like I’m floating. Like a weight has finally been lifted off my shoulders and everything has honestly been coming together for me recently. I’m excited! I feel on top of the world, so this song has been on heavy rotation for me. It just reflects where I’m at mentally. My ass keeps getting these little signs that everything is falling into alignment. Y’all are about to see a brand new bitch! I know that things will make sense in the end for me and so that’s what’s been keeping me going✨
*******
#YAPSESHHH 🍒🌹🤎
sound off in the comments 😌🤎
What’s been on your playlist? Put me on 👀
What have you realized about yourself this month?
I love the delusional part about having a crush, daydreaming in a journal and being gushy. I have to almost refrain from it because I worry about being overly dramatic but then it’s such a great output for creativity. I feel like journaling about crushes removes some of the unfocused and hyperactive energy I get
Fucking Rocket by Doechii and Siegfried by Frank have been nonstop playing in the back of my head.
I love Rocket because it’s such a groovy song and makes me wanna move and grove. It’s very much let loose song and I be needing that.
Seigfried however, A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT VIBE. This song makes me feel like heartbroken all over again, the emotion it pulls out of mee is just magnificent. I always imagine being in a sad romance movie where we had to go separate ways 😭 or I imagine making my own short film about some sad shi