do you think these niggas are better than you?

“do you think these niggas are better than you?”

that’s what my friend said to me. and at first I’m in my head like girl WHAT? But then I had to ponder, honestly. And dig deep.

do i think these niggas are better than me?, i thought.

for context, the question came up after a conversation where i expressed to my dearest friend, Samirah, that i just don’t be feeling like im the type of the men i attract— because again, i ALWAYS attract a very particular type of man. every time. and everyone notices it. My friends tease me about it and joke around because it be the same nigga in a different font.

ever since I’ve started taking my creative endeavors more seriously and aligning with shit that just makes sense for me, I started noticing a pattern in the men that were attracted to me.

so, WHAT kinda men does this bitch attract?, you may be thinking.

well, think of like… a nipsey hussle archetype. you know? fine, intelligent, articulate, cultured, creative, making an impact in their communities. men who are VERY well known either in their communities or on a larger scale. they are intellectuals and care about the greater good of humanity. i ALWAYS attract those kind, and honestly… i like them right back. and they’re usually always a tad bit older than me. and yet, i always sit there tryna figure out why I’m like a magnet for them. it just doesn’t make sense to me when they show interest and i always think it’s a lie. i was telling my friend this.

as we all know, I’m like… super fine. duh. super wise. pretty mature for my age. but I’m also very neurospicy, awkward, quirky, goofy, my social battery dies fast as fuck, i rarely like being in the club, and i don’t do well in spaces with a bunch of people. i get overstimulated and irritated at times. and then… trauma. sexual trauma, religious trauma, violent trauma… like it all makes me so paranoid. shit I’m still working through to this day. and in a world that looks at black femininity through a very one dimensional lens, sometimes i feel like in my not fitting into that lens, it can occasionally make me incredibly insecure. not because i think that anything is wrong with me, but because I’m constantly thinking about how the rest of the world (and men) are perceiving me. i was laughing thinking about a conversation i had with a former friend who also was neurodivergent and we were talking about how funny it was that men look at our curated Instagram pictures and think we’re just sooooo alluring and sexy and then be surprised when they get us in person and we’re literally stimming and shaking back and forth (LMAOOOOOOOOO).

The point is, the type of woman I am and the type of men I attract often feel like a mismatch. and i was explaining all this to my friend. i told her i just be thinking like it’s no way I’m these niggas types. like it’s more believable to me when it’s a broke, creative, struggling artist nigga who likes me than when a successful entrepreneur or businessman likes me. I told Samirah all of this shit. and that’s when she said IT:

“kam… hold up girl, wait a minute. do you think these niggas are BETTER than you?”

and when she asked me i kinda stuttered. cuz not this bitch clocking my tea and throwing me off like that! and i was like, you know what… maybe i do. maybe that’s what this is. i guess this is the importance of community and friendship, because your friends make you aware of your patterns and subconscious. they can see and recognize certain things in your words that you may not see.

“these niggas are not better than you, i promise. you always attract them niggas because they see your drive and your ambition. you’re a walking siren. your energy is EXTREMELY rare and i really don’t think you recognize that. You better start fixing that NOW, friend.”

… and i don’t. but i guess that’s what this era of my life is about. understanding how powerful and impactful i am, you know? recently, I’ve learned that I come from a long line of conjure women and hoodoo priestesses. I have a deep connection to the divine and my path is protected. Very otherworldly and ethereal, but I never seen the power in that until now. Or maybe I do see my power… I just fear it, because I know it’ll take me far. Maybe that’s why I’ve been in my comfort zone and indulging in self sabotage behavior as far as my life. But I think my spirit guides are trying to get me outta that shit, you know?

my friend, Tyokia, added on to the conversation: “i think that as women who are creatives, we look at what we do as something that is very small or something that we do just to do. but regardless of how you look at it, you ARE making an impact and building community,” she insisted. “look at how much you build on these platforms. you inspire ME, that’s how we became friends. and you’re clearly attracting these niggas because it’s a reflection of who you are as well in some capacity.”

I’m still trying to figure myself the fuck out, shit. And I guess being in proximity to a lot of these men, they seemingly just have their lives together or they’re just more structured. Meanwhile, I’m like Issa Dee in Season 2 of Insecure. Still finding my way, still finding my purpose, still coming into my womanhood— yet I KNOW ima be a problem in my 30s.

But another thing my friend made me realize is that man are just conditioned to always look put together and composed, and often times— they be having the same fears and insecurities and demons as women. they’re just socialized to not be as open about it— and perhaps that is why these men are attracted to me and my vulnerability and my writing. perhaps they are attracted to the fact that i don’t mask and i just say exactly what’s on my mind— unhinged and all. men are attracted to what they suppress/lack, just as I’m attracted to what I lack/aspire to be.

“I think you also are looking at things from a very colonial perspective,” Tyokia insisted. “You're attracted to them because they embody a version of success and material accomplishment you aspire to have. But you're still young, laying the groundwork. At 30, you'll be unstoppable, building your own empire. You're already widely recognized. The thoughts you put together are very revolutionary and beyond your years. You will not find that everywhere. Niggas know that.”

Soooo, I guess another lesson I aim to master in this period of my life is realizing my worthiness and my humanity. Sometimes, I don’t even look at myself as a human. I feel like I should be great at EVERYTHING I do. Everything. And if I fall short, I beat myself up like I’m not an actual, breathing human with flaws, mistakes, and a troubled past. I’m not perfect. And maybe I’m drawn to the image of perfection? I don’t know if that makes sense. But because of this, it’s why I struggle to see why anyone could see the light in me or feel intrigued by me— because in my head, I’m not worthy of shit until I reach this idealized version of myself. Then and only then, I think I’ll be worthy of love and connection—which is so fucking unhealthy, right?

This is why I think I’ll never find love until later in life. The fact that I’d find it more believable that a man would like me if I had my dream life right now and a million dollars is actually… depressing as fuck. But it’s work I gotta do, you know? Progress, not perfection. It’s a journey. Still learning to embrace the siren within. Still learning to see my light even in moments of darkness. Still learning to let go of perfection or whatever, you know?