Braveface.

This world is so fake. I always have to take a step back from social media because of how insensitive, mean-spirited, and cruel plenty of people are. I think it’s that way because I believe plenty of people are simply not doing soul work. As I’ve matured, I realize that it’s rare for people to do the necessary work needed to change themselves. People don’t go DEEP. In this culture, people think shadow work is simply about identifying trauma and problems. They can tell you where it comes from and why they are the way they are, but they avoid the emotions and feelings that come with actually sitting with all of those experiences. They avoid sitting in a room with their demons and having deep conversations with them. Because truth is, as much as all of us want to believe we are great people, there are ugly sides to us that need to be directly addressed. The parts of us that may lie a little too much, the parts of us that need excessive validation from the opposite gender to feel beautiful, the parts of us who are too envious of others, the parts of us who are insanely self-centered. I see that people are not doing that work. They’re doing the surface-level work and calling it shadow work.

Some of us also carry ancestral DNA that isn’t so positive. Every single one of our ancestors were not virtuous. In fact, some of them were murderers, abusers, criminals, addicts, etc. But sometimes… we need to channel their rage in certain situations to protect ourselves. We need to meet with them and understand them to understand ourselves, not only so we can be better, but also to break patterns.

In being a creative and a writer who moreso thrives with personal essays, I constantly battle between should I share this or not? What if I don’t feel this way 15 minutes from now?

And then I share it. And I get on social media, and I’ll see a video from someone talking about how no one needs to know your business on the internet. I let it get to me and then quickly delete it. I’ve done that with a lot of pieces. I have this understanding that everyone doesn’t need to know every aspect of my life, which is why I definitely don’t share every single detail about what I’m going through. But… why is it such a crime to humanity to channel the ugly side of you? If I want other people to reach that part of their journeys where they are facing themselves, why wouldn’t I also share the not-so-pretty aspects of my healing?

People avoid themselves so much, they have this disgust towards people who are not that way. They are uncomfortable with people who are brutally honest about how horrible they’ve been, how depressed they’ve been, how fucked up they’ve been, because they haven’t even done that with themselves. And sometimes, I believe people resent and are jealous of people who can be that way. They’ve been shamed by others for certain experiences and so they’ve internalized that shame and therefore feel like everyone else who share those experiences should be quiet about it, not loud about it.

But what if that is what is needed to push humanity forward? We are not robots. We are humans. I’ve had so many tragic, heartbreaking experiences and realizations that I’ve shared with some people in conversations, where they’re like, “Wow, I needed to hear you open up about that because I went through the same thing but never spoke about it, because I thought I should be embarrassed.”

A lot of experiences are not as rare as we think. Still, because Western culture pushes this culture of detachment, control, logic, and hyperanalysis, we discard of our passionate, vulnerable, open sides. We need vulnerable, transparent people in a world full of illusions, delusions, avoidance, and a culture that is obsessed with celebrity culture. More heart-centered conversations that will push a collective to do that shadow work, thus creating a new world.

The inspiration behind this piece was Halle Bailey’s new song, Braveface. This comes after news of her legal battles with DDG. The song is essentially about putting on a mask of confidence in the world to get by, despite the hidden face being full of self-doubt, sadness, escapism, and feelings of being undesirable. She’s affirming herself throughout the day, but still fails to REALLY feel beautiful. I just wanna feel good, is what she keeps repeating to herself.

Literally the other day, I was so excited to go to this new hair salon and get a silk press. It had been a while since I pampered myself. The whole day I was hype to finally look good after a very long… dry spell. I hadn’t been putting much effort into my looks because I just stopped caring. I stopped getting my nails done, I stopped doing my hair, I stopped wearing makeup. All things that made me feel great about myself. But this particular day, I had requested off from work for a pamper day. My nails had been done, I ordered some makeup and a new perfume from Ulta, and I was ready to finish it off with my hair being done. I had never been to this salon before, but I was excited to go in there and just speak to some other Black women. When my hair was done, it looked cute. But in 20 minutes, it frizzed back up when I got in the house. Everyone doesn’t know how to do silk presses on 4C hair, and I got mad at myself for not going to who I usually go to because I didn’t have the patience to wait one more day to book with her. I wanted to look good on THIS DAY. I looked in the mirror, saw my hair, and fell to the floor crying, “All I wanted to do was look good. Why doesn’t anything ever go well for me? All I wanted to do was fucking look good.” A whole crying spell. I just felt like… damn, I’m really trying to get myself up outta this low self esteem and even when I try, it fails. So, I sprayed my hair with some water, did a twist out for work the next day, did my makeup, and put on a smile and pretended that whole entire day that I was just feeling like that bitch. Little bathroom breaks throughout the day just crying in the bathroom. No one woulda known though.

And then it made me think about how much performing is promoted not only in Western culture, but even in spirituality. As someone who practices Hoodoo and is in community with spiritual people, there’s a lot of spiritual bypassing that goes on in these communities. “Words are spells and they have power,” that’s the first thing they teach you in Hoodoo. And while that is most definitely true, I find myself questioning a lot of ideas and concepts. Like, why do the words that come out of my mouth ONLY have to be positive? Does that not strip people of their humanity? Shouldn’t it be promoted to express the full spectrum of your emotions? Is that not toxic? I think it’s pretty normal as a human to be in a rut sometimes and to only express yourself negatively at times. Performing and faking it till you make it is effective at times, but after some time, it becomes draining. You mean to tell me my ancestors are gonna punish me or not let things come into fruition for me if I’m feeling a little down and I’m not seeing the positive? Is that not toxic Western culture?

I don’t always wanna wear a braveface. I just don’t. Truth is, I’m extremely depressed sometimes, and I do not feel pretty all the time. I often freak out and think I’ll never find love or success. I get very sad thinking about how I’ve failed to be protected by the men in my life. I don’t always feel like I’ll accomplish what I want to. I’m confused myself at times. I’m honestly always in a state of confusion and I always wanna know the answers to life’s big questions. I question my spirituality and practices all the time. Will I be punished by my ancestors for being honest about that? Or will they respect my vulnerability and transparency? Will they embrace my tears and heaviness and self-doubt at my altar with the same embrace they have for my days of authentic confidence and self-belief? Am I only rewarded by the spirit realm when I’m feeling good?

Made me think of Yemoja. She’s been guiding me in this era of my life. She’s like my fairy Godmother. I see her everywhere. One of her core values is vulnerability. Vulnerability is considered a treasure to her, not only when it comes to your dynamics with others, but also when it comes to yourself. In this day and age, people wanna be vulnerable in their relationships with people, but when they are alone at night, tears running down their faces, they refuse to be vulnerable with themselves. Vulnerability is a superpower and is incredibly brave. It leaves you stripped naked. Cells exposed. Blood exposed. Guts exposed. It makes you an easy target, but in being that way— you lead the way to other people’s paths and you’re contributing to the world you want to see, even if it doesn’t exist quite yet.

Vulnerability vs. privacy. I battle with that a lot in my journey. But when I weigh the pros and cons for me personally, there are more pros that come with my vulnerability as opposed to my privacy. At times, I feel lighter after telling on myself or sharing aspects of my path. When I suppress and choose to be a robot or attempt to shut up, I feel like shit. I like to release it to the world. To people. I feel much lighter afterwards.

I can’t always be a braveface.