am i masculine or am i just me?
why are we still pushing white supremacy in our dating takes?
Most Black women would agree that social media, as well as the influx of red pill podcasts and Christian-centered content has heightened awareness of the buzz words “submission”, “masculine/feminine women,” “alpha males,” “high value woman”, etc. So much so to the point where Black women are becoming keenly aware that men do not see women as humans. Womanist authors such as bell hooks, Audre Lorde, and Alice Walker—have books that have become popularized over the years—which can be credited to the shift in Black women’s attitudes as they enter the dating scene, requiring a vastly different approach to relationships as compared to our mothers, aunties, and grandmothers. Women in general, are now in a state where finances are not enough to keep us around and the bare minimum just simply isn’t enough. We are advocating for ourselves in the workplace, the bedroom, and in our day-to-day lives. Despite claims that we are progressing as a gender regarding how we want to be treated as women—there are still women who are comfortable and completely okay with living under patriarchal ideals in relationships. We still have a long way to go, as patriarchy and misogynoir have become deeply entrenched in the Black community due to social conditioning. There are plenty of great, progressive Black men who fight for women, treat them as equals, and even advocate for them. Yet even they are not completely void of language, interactions, and beliefs that are closely aligned with misogynoir and the objectification of women. It should be especially noted that upholding the patriarchy is not something that is only being upheld by men—but women too. While the blame for its creation always circles back to males—women are often its fiercest advocates as well.
While patriarchy is something that shows up in every race across the board, its presence in the Black community deserves to be examined. Black men certainly must navigate this world through a different lens compared to their counterparts. Police brutality, racial profiling, high incarceration rates, job discrimination, poor mental health, and a myriad of other issues not only affect them systemically but can have an impact on their self-esteem—creating a subconscious feeling of unworthiness. Black women are faced with double the issues, being Black AND Woman, with varying types of bigotry and experiences that are only exclusive to us. Yet, Black men feel this unsettling need to establish complete dominance in their communities and relationships—which can be explained by their inability to yield power in any other settings, as well as the influence of patriarchy in religion and media. If we look back at history and some of our most prominent leaders and activists, you can notice that there were a multitude of leaders who didn’t necessarily want equality or better for their communities. In reality, they desired the same power that White men possessed in their own neighborhoods and communities. It made them feel powerful, influential, and commanding, to be in Black spaces where others were looking at them with adoration and admiration. They became addicted to that feeling, and so because of that addiction—many Black men began to inherit this tyrannical approach to how they dealt with other Black people—particularly Black women—failing to see how damaging and abusive their behavior could be. The best example of this could be a complete analysis of the power dynamics that existed in the Black Panther Party.
Rightfully so, the Black Panther Party has been lionized as one of the most radical and empowering liberation and political movements in history. Largely because of their emphasis of Black pride, Black beauty, and their role in uplifting the voices of Black people who did not want to take the respectable, “bigger person” approach. The afros, black clothing, and Black power fist are all associated with the party, and to this day they are still revered as Black cultural icons—not only because of their trademark phrases and staple items—but also because of their community impact. Free breakfast for kids, a hospital full of Black staff for low-income residents, and their advocation for firearms as a means of self-defense against white people were a few of many influential moves they made. What has been erased from history, however, is the prevalent rape and abuse culture, as well as the misogynoir that permeated all throughout the party—all at the expense of Black women. Many of the women in the movement had problems with Huey P. Newton, Eldridge Cleaver, and a host of other Black men because of their tyrannical approach to things, as well as their abusive behavior and constant objectification of Black women.
There were a handful of incidents that were swept under the rug by leading male members, because Black women’s safety weren’t enough of a priority. Assata Shakur wrote in her autobiography that the Party became increasingly unappealing to her, as all the male figures believed they were above reproach or any type of critique. Assata expressed that she would voice her concerns about the way in which they chose to move or teach, and all her ideas were always shot down—followed by accusations that she was not really for the Party or advancement of Black people if she questioned anything. The main person she had an issue with would be none other than Huey P. Newton. In Assata: The Autobiography she stated, “Huey Newton was not what you would call a good speaker. In fact, he had a kind of high-pitched monotonous voice and his rambling for three hours about the negation of the negation was sheer disaster. People walked out in droves. Instead of criticizing what was happening, most of the Party members defended it. When I said that Huey needed speaking lessons they jumped down my throat. When Huey changed his title from defense minister to the ridiculous ‘Supreme Commander’ and then to the even more ridiculous ‘Supreme Servant,’ damn near nobody said a word. That was one of the big problem in the Party. Criticism and self-criticism were not encouraged, and the little that was given often was not taken seriously. Constructive criticism and self-criticism are extremely important for any revolutionary organization. Without them, people tend to drown in their mistakes, and not learn from them...” (226).
Eldridge Cleaver was an admitted rapist. In his book, Soul On Ice, he wrote about a streak he went on where he raped multiple women—both Black and white. To 'master’ his technique, he says that he first started out by raping poor Black women and girls. In his own words, he states, “I became a rapist... I did this consciously, deliberately, willfully, and methodically.” He then moved on to White women, once he felt as though he was ‘skilled enough’ at being a rapist. “Rape was an insurrectionary act. It delighted me that I was defying and trampling upon the white man’s law... and that I was defiling his women,” he continues. Regina George, a school administrator, was brutally beaten by men in the Black Panther Party for reprimanding someone for not following through with a task. Elaine Brown, who was filling in for Huey while he was in prison, alerted him of this once he came back. Unsurprisingly, Huey seen the abuse as justified and believed that she should not had stepped outside of her place. Many Black women were raped and if they denied any male member’s sexual advances, they were placed under scrutiny and seen as rebellious. Women were expected to be of sexual service whenever a man expressed his desire because according to their chauvinist mindsets, women should be ecstatic to sleep with a ‘revolutionary.’ Many Black women adopted this mindset in the Party as a survival tactic and as a way to avoid being under scrutiny. It should also be noted that expecting Black women to automatically be open to sleeping with a member, because of their status, reinforces that Jezebel stereotype which is contradicting to the Party’s mission values and morals.
This without a doubt transcended into Black households and was an approach that was pushed on to plenty of Black men who idolized these people in power. Black men have always felt a need to silence Black women, humble them, and dismiss their thoughts or suggestions on... anything. Religion also made this worse. It has been pushed all through Black Christianity that a woman should be submissive to her husband. Inherently, that is rooted in European patriarch systems and white supremacy. White men created these constructs of what femininity and masculinity are to remain in power. In Ancient African civilizations, assigning traits to gender was not a thing. Women could just be who they were, and men could also be who they were.There were no set definitions of what traits and characteristics fell under which. Though women did tend to hold the power pre-colonial times and made decisions regarding politics—gender trait assignment was a concept unknown to them. In fact, same sex marriages were documented in thousands of African societies and both men and women viewed themselves as equal. It is not in our nature, historically—to subscribe to gender roles. Christina Saudi, a professor of African and World History explores gender dynamics in pre-colonial Africa. African people conceptualized gender and family lineage in a vastly polar way compared to Westernized culture. Submission was a foreign concept—as women and men believed they were equally powerful, and conversely—Western ideals emphasized male domination in marriage and relationships. Children often had two last names—reflective of both parents’ lineage. Additionally, the nuclear family was another Westernized concept, whereas Africans considered people who were not blood related to also be family (which explains why we call people who are not related to us ‘auntie’ ‘uncle’ or ‘cousin’ to this day). We had our own traditions and way of living, but once colonization reigned, it had an enormous influence on how Black people began to view interpersonal relationships and how we viewed our interactions amongst each other as men and women. European Christianity was pushed on slaves—and so while we held on to our traditions and African religions—we also merged it with what we were conditioned to believe was right.
When we hear a lot of these dating takes that take place on social media and podcasts, a lot of them are white supremacist talking points. By discussing Black women’s ‘masculinity,’ Black men are contributing to the racist tropes and stereotypes originally created by white people about Black women. I always wonder... why isn’t it ever considered that naturally Black women may just be more assertive, expressive, or vocal since these were traits that were always uplifted in ancient African civilizations before colonizers came and told us these were things that made us ‘unappealing’? It is not that we are ‘masculine,’ it is just that inherently—we present differently from other races of women—and that is okay. African women were never made to feel as though anything was wrong with them being tough, leaders, straightforward, fighters, passionate, intelligent, or providers. It was considered beautiful by our men until white people took over, studied our dynamics with each other, and demonized it—pushing their power and gender dynamics on an entire generation of Black people and other races as well.
Fast forward to 2024 and look where we are today. It just seems like every 3-4 business days, the Black community is discussing what it is that makes Black women ‘masculine,’ picking our femininity and womanhood apart. Black men are doing deep dives on what it means to be a ‘high value woman.’
The effects of colonization are rarely studied or looked at on a deeper level. ‘Submission’ has become another hot topic that I’ve muted on my timeline, yet they always show up on my screen regardless of the controls I put in place. The definition of submission—if you research it—means “the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.” Regardless of how people try to change what the word means—the entire ideology behind submitting to a man is rooted in domination, control, white supremacy, and westernized culture that once again never belonged to Black people. When we look at this concept on the grand scheme of things—it is one hundred percent patriarchal. Why does a woman need to ‘submit’ to anyone? Why is it that the man in the relationship is automatically deemed as a ‘leader’? Why does a woman need to submit solely because she is a woman, and her partner is a man?
I have always been fascinated by bell hooks and in love with the way she challenges societal notions of love, relationships, and friendships. Domination and love cannot coexist—and she was a fierce advocate of this. Subscribing to power dynamics, gender roles, and Westernized culture cannot possibly be pure love—because look at where it has taken us as a society. It’s resulted in genocide, racism, violence, and abuse. None of these things have ever resulted in anything positive, so why are we adamant about pushing them in relationships? How would the result be any different in a relationship? There should be no need for two people to feel as though one has more power or dominance than the other. Both are equal, in every way, and power should not be determined based off gender, finances, or anything else that simply does not matter. Both parties should be able to contribute ideas, agree, disagree, and share their perspectives when making decisions together. That is loving—at least to me. A safe space where both people are encouraged to hear each other out, be vocal, and expressive. Most people would read this and argue that submission is what was described, but it simply is not. We cannot change definitions of words to make it sound less patriarchal and nasty than it really is. I could never see myself being in a relationship where power dynamics are present—because love should not work around that. It always implies that someone is inferior. I have never looked at love like that, which explains why I believe I have never truly been in love except for when it comes to my female friendships.
In studying these pseudointellectual dating coaches and TikTok dating advice, it has become apparent that Black men are not seeing Black women as humans. When these conversations about ‘high value women’ and ‘feminine women’ are being touched on—often times, men are describing servants. They are looking at women through a lens of servitude and what women can do for them. When men are expressing what they love about their partners, there is more emphasis on how their partner makes them feel and what services they provide for them. What do you like about your girlfriend/wife as an individual outside of things that benefit you? Men often give this extensive list of why they love their partners, and they often consist of servitude: ‘She does my laundry’ ‘She folds my clothes,’ ‘I love that she makes my doctor’s appointments for me,’ ‘I love that she cooks for me’. But very rarely do I hear, “I love the way she’s able to create things in her head and bring it to reality”, “I love the way she’s able to humanize others”, “I love how her eyes sparkle up when she sees a flower that she thinks is really pretty”, “I adore the way she interacts with her family”, “Her work ethic is super admirable.” When your main approach to relationships is rooted in domination and gender roles, I would imagine that it is harder to detect distinctive qualities and other dimensions of an individual, nor see women outside of servitude because patriarchy requires you to objectify women. Women are supposed to be seen and not heard under the patriarchy. Keep in mind, that all of these ‘rules’ and ‘traditions’ were created by white people—not us. And we are reinforcing white supremacy every single day, the more we push these harmful gender and power dynamics in not only romantic relationships, but familial and platonic ones as well. It just feels like we are doing their dirty work and further dividing the Black community by spewing these tired ass takes.
As much as I hate that we do this, I frequently remind myself that Black men especially have been taught that their manhood is connected to their productivity, resources, and finances. When a man does not see his value, even without those things—they feel like they are less of a man. They do not have the luxury of being depressed and experiencing the symptoms of it without holding this feeling of unworthiness. Women can be sad and lay in bed all day crying, being emotional eaters, and are even able to express those experiences without people perceiving them as ‘bums’ or ‘lazy.’ Men are not. Women also have the luxury of not hitting certain markers at certain ages without being looked at with contempt, but men are not.
Recently, I was thinking about how dating is harder for radicalized and self actualized Black women because of the damage that gender roles have created. Men— for as long as they have existed have always measured their worth and value based off what they can do career-wise, how much money they make, and how well they can be productive and work under pressure. And because of these patriarchal ideals that white men have created— women have internalized that. For the longest, men could get away with just providing financially and doing acts of service for women. Since men rarely did the work on themselves to understand and meet who they truly are, women rarely cared about that. This explains why so many of our grandmothers and aunties were in relationships with strangers.
Now, women are beginning to realize that those things are not enough and men are scrambling. I do want us to keep though, that we as women are not making things better. As progressive as this generation may seem, when we continue to have those ‘masculine’ vs. ‘feminine’ conversations and debates, they are harmful. When we say, “A man should be providing this, that, and the third” or “A real man does _______,” it reinforces this toxic idea that manhood is supposed to look one way. That manhood is based off service and productivity and finances, instead of other attributes as well. What does that do for men who are disabled? Blind? Paralyzed? It makes them feel as though they are not a man. Not enough. Why? Because they are not physically able to perform those things.
As women are becoming more self actualized and going to therapy and doing that deep shadow work, it becomes harder for this caliber of women to actually date these men. We are coming into men’s spaces with a deeply introspective nature and a dedication to self discovery and unpacking our trauma— making us want a deep intimacy that goes beyond the manosphere and a man’s finances.
But on the flip side, I see so many women who honestly do base a ‘real man’ and ‘love’ off of what a man does as well. Men are not the only ones exhibiting this behavior. However, most times, the women who do act like this, seldom know themselves, even if they think they do. On the flip side, if you even ask them what they desire in a relationship or what they actually adore about the men they are dealing with… service and money are usually always the pinnacle of real love for them. And other women fawn over that.
“Oh, he’s paying bills?” “He takes out the trash?” “He performs these acts of service for you? That’s REAL LOVE”.
… but is it really? I’ve spoken to plenty of men who do all of these things for women simply because that is what is often associated with manhood in the context of dating, and doing these things makes them feel even more ‘masculine.’ It isn’t necessarily always because they like the woman. It sometimes just feeds their ego and at times, has nothing to do with the woman. Moreso, about them.
Men are becoming used to being loved based off of this and I think that is also why men love women based off of their emotional labor, and what they can do for them emotionally, since they are now accustomed to only being loved based off what they can DO, and not for who THEY ARE.
I can admit that in my past, I’ve had conversations with many of my male homies where they’ve opened up about not feeling loved for their nature, and solely for what they offer. When they would express this, I would dismiss them instead of hearing them out. That very demeanor and tone right there, could be why Black men don’t feel heard by Black women. Even when it is expressed online, they are usually met with outrage and women who dismiss the entirety of their feelings and experiences. But I ask: if so many men are starting to realize they feel this way, why don’t we as women sit with that?
I understand that all of it boils down to the patriarchy and it is a system that white men created. But why not hear them out? Why would we expect every man to recognize that it all stems back to these systems? It’s not an immediate realization. A decolonized mind takes WORK, and it’s not always fair to be dismissive— the same way we hate being dismissed.
I can say that most times, radicalized women who have a devotion to finer womanhood and self discovery usually become intimidating to men who only see their worth through a financial/productivity lens. Usually, they hold a deep resentment towards these kinds of women because we force them to see themselves beyond the material shit and the systems they are blindly following. They become enraged. These women are often described as ‘emasculating’ to the Black man because they are not accustomed to women who are self aware, intuitive, reflective, and assertive. These women are a THREAT to their masculinity and manhood. We challenge everything that they have been taught is associated with femininity.
I am hoping that one day, we all begin to realize the harms of these dating takes and hot topics that we continue to push in our communities. None of these takes from Kevin Samuels or SheraSeven are centered around love, authenticity, or community. They are simply takes that come from white people but regurgitated in Black bodies. These things divide us, and rarely result in long lasting, healthy relationships. They do not promote individuality, pure love, or culture. What they do promote, however, is hatred, division, ego, capitalism, and materialism. Of course, I would never encourage anyone to date people who are financially unstable or who don’t have their lives all the way together. However, I do challenge us to look at WHY we hold certain beliefs and I want us to look at what love us to us. Who taught us that these things should be standard for EVERYONE, and that if it varies from the societal script— that it is WRONG? Think about that.
References:
Elnaiem , Mohammed. “The ‘Deviant’ African Genders That Colonialism Condemned .” JSTOR DAILY , 29 Apr. 2021, daily.jstor.org/the-deviant-african-genders-that-colonialism-condemned/.
Freysburg, Anna. “A Woman’s Place in the Revolution: Gender and Sexual Politics within the Black Panther Party.” Minnesota Undergraduate & Research Journal .
Saidi, Christine. “Women in Precolonial Africa.” Oxford Research Encyclopedia of African History, 27 Oct. 2020, oxfordre.com/africanhistory/display/10.1093/acrefore/9780190277734.001.0001/acrefore-9780190277734-e-259;jsessionid=8291BE5F39CBD7DB724FE9D82DC3D784?rskey=FFLqNT&result=2.
Shakur, Assata. Assata: An Autobiography, pp. 226–226.
Well written, well received
I loved this idk thank you 😢