Am I Delusional Or Is Your Brain Just Colonized?

Notes on my spiritual awakening, racism in psychology, and Westernized religion.

Wow. 1.3K subscribers. 4k podcast downloads, wowwww. I’m really building a tribe on here. I am so incredibly grateful for you guys and all your shoutouts and kind words. Gratitude. Thank you so much! I’m in such a different space and sorta entered this weird, trippy stage of my life that just awakened the fuck outta me. Everything is seemingly coming together. I’m about to be published in a magazine soon! That is exciting for me, yet I didn’t take a moment to celebrate that. I’m going to work on doing that, lol. I also wanted to share some pictures I took since I got my hair diddddd, y’allllll lol.

Yeahhh, talk to me nice lol. But I just wanted to put a face behind these words, even though I’ve already done that. It’s just… I have new subscribers! Yayyy! Welcome to the tribe. I’m tryna come up with a name for y’all lmaoooo. I was thinking Bookiessss or Bookianasssss, idk. Y’all let me know in the comments.

But again, thank you so much for your kind words and y’all words of encouragement. I appreciate it more than y’all know. I wanted to shoutout some of the people who I notice have been big supporters of my blog and my journey.

1. 7souljah
   — my friend has an amazing blog by the way, it’s called ‘For Those Who Listen’

2. edgard
   - amazing writer. very FUN writer. I love how Edgard instills Puerto Rico all throughout their work.

3. 𝐏𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐈𝐔𝐒
   - absolutely in love with the deep southern slang in the writing and advice.

4. Jacquie Verbal
   - ughhh! the radical honesty and vulnerability and unapologetic blackness? I mean… come on now. Thank you for taking a chance on me, Jacquie.

5. Terry Roseland - amazing podcast, y’all. It isn’t like the typical red pill podcast. Please go check him out. He is doing great things for the community and having amazing conversations centered around Black manhood.

6. Samirahhhh - literally in love with her. Thank you for instilling so much life in me, boo.

7. Erykah - I love you! Thank you for always riding with me. Thank you for seeing my humanity.

8. Candice
   - thank you for the constant love. Guys, please go check her blog out! Please continue using your voice.

9. BlackStack
   - I have such an appreciation for the ways in which y’all uplift and put a spotlight on different Black voices and experiences. Gratitude.

10. Stacy - bitch I be seeing you! Thank you for supporting every damn endeavor of mine. Love.

11. Tatyana - bitch I love you. you know what it issss

12. Khalil - thanks for always putting up with my rants and tangents at work bro. thanks for being happy for me and my small wins.

… and so many others. I’m so sorry if I forgot you. This was just off top. But I believe it’s important to recognize those who see your light and choose to speak words of affirmations and life into you! Those who support you! I really appreciate y’all the long wayyy! Thank you everyone for the love. Thank you thank you thank you.

And don’t forget to download my playlist! It serves as a soundtrack to how I’m feeling right now mentally!

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Lately, I’ve been feeling crazy. Like I’m losing my fucking mind. Like I need to be 302’d because I find myself disconnected from a lot of things I was once connected to. I feel myself softening and opening up, and I’m also receiving these weird ass fucking signs that cannot simply be mere coincidences at this point. Recently, I really have moments where I feel as though I’m not apart of this world. It leaves me anxious and on edge… constantly. Something told me to look into why I had felt this way, and I’m realizing… I’m in the middle of a spiritual awakening.

To be honest, I’m the type of bitch where I would never imagine that I’d be going through some shit like this, but I am. And a series of events and encounters triggered this shit. Like I said, I’m working on not intellectualizing every damn thing and mastering the art of surrendering— so these realizations and premonitions I’m coming to— there is a sense of understanding, rather than intellectualizing (if that makes sense). My body and my mind and my spirit are working on not doing extreme deep dives on every damn thing, and rather just recognizing the shit, understanding patterns, taking note, and moving on with life instead of pondering on it for days, leaving no room for play or fun— which I feel is a huge difference.

This idea of a spiritual awakening came to me when I recognized that I no longer wanted the same shit I wanted a year ago. I deactivated all of my social media and there was an ego death that took place late one night when I was high as fuck off weed. Social media just doesn’t do it for me as much anymore because I realize that all of that shit is a facade. It is incredibly superficial and I don’t want any parts. I outgrew it, honestly. I’ve had multiple people text me, asking me if I were okay because they’ve noticed my absence on social media. I’ve even went out recently, to which I always get noticed and greeted followed up with a “Where did you go? I haven’t seen your posts recently.” I just tell people I’m disconnected and needed a mental break, but in reality… I don’t think I’ll ever return. The joy I feel in not being on social media is a joy I can’t even begin to put into words.

Within the last month I’ve been picking up on sychrononicities and having these weird ass, trippy serendipitous encounters with people. Suddenly, I crave these deep connections that transcend surface level and a lot of my viewpoints and philosophies on the world are shifting. My diet has changed and now my health is moreso a priority compared to any other stage in my life. I am getting extremely intentional with the people I keep around me, but what has most changed for me is my relationship with my spirituality.

I grew up in an extremely Christian household. Bible thumping parents, y’all. But what many don’t know is that I also have some hoodoo roots in my bloodline that my family chose to dispose of. There were hoodoo priestesses on my mom’s side from the Deep South. And as generations grew and grew, most in my family familiarized themselves with Christianity and shed the traditional practices of my ancestors for something that was deemed societally acceptable. As a child, I was never drawn to Christianity, and I always asked a bunch of questions that never gave me answers that made sense. Honestly, I always say I was never a Christian because I never connected with it. Ever. But the damage done from being in an extremely religious household still colonized my mind— something I ain’t ever pick up on until my early 20s. During that time, I was aware of how colonization resulted in the disbandment of our native practices, rituals, and religions and I began exploring my ancestral roots by having long, insightful conversations with the elders in my family. There was a curiosity I had about my ancestors.

My grandpop, who we call ‘Poppy’, had so many images stored of my ancestors dating back to 1870. He knew so much about them and I would frequently ask him, ‘What did he/she like to eat?’, ‘What were their favorite hobbies?’, ‘Where were they born?’. My family has deep Southern and Caribbean roots that no one in my family ever bothered to explore, and yet I was the only one who was truly interested in it, which was intriguing to my grandfather. Now I know, I was simply the chosen one of my entire bloodline. I was chosen to do the work in unlearning some of our familial generational patterns and our toxic dynamics. I was the only one who had an interest in my ancestors. No one else ever cared to know. Mind you, I was obsessed with doing this work before I ever knew anything of ancestral veneration. For years, I pulled some practices from both hoodoo and Yoruba but it wasn’t like I was fully into both practices.

Recently, I’ve been REALLY getting deep into it. It just hits different this time. I communicate with them and I am slowly but surely learning to honor my intuition. I’m realizing I am very spiritually gifted as well. I’ve always been pretty good at predicting things with no actual evidence to which I’ve scared a lot of my friends once they realized my predictions were right. I’ve always felt like I had a really large purpose. Like my life mission was bigger than what my life currently feels like. There has always been something very strange about me— and I knew that from a very early age, however, I wasn’t equipped with the words for it.

To many, this might sound delusional or as if I am ‘mentally ill’. But I argue that you simply just haven’t done the work of decolonizing your mind when it comes to religion and spiritual practices. Many psychologists overlook the spiritually gifted, labeling them as “crazy” while failing to recognize the cultural and historical contexts of their beliefs. Most of the shit stems from systemic racism in the field of psychology, which frequently does a horrible job at considering the spiritual practices and worldviews of the African diaspora who embrace the supernatural, hoodoo, traditional African religions, or astrology. As a result, our unique experiences continue to be discounted, leading to misdiagnoses and a broader misunderstanding of the spiritual realm. This is why Black therapists and psychiatrists who have ALSO done the work to decolonize their intake process are important for us as a culture.

There’s this immense gratitude I have for my therapist, who embodies this understanding and provides me with a safe space to navigate these layers of identity and spirituality. Many don’t have this— and it saddens me— because when you think about it, Christians often have the same experiences as us— yet no one bats an eye. Ever. What’s the difference between me picking up on angel numbers and believing it is a channeled message from my ancestors vs. someone opening the Bible to a verse that resonates with their life, prompting them to believe it’s a divine sign? What’s the difference? Why aren’t you delusional, but I am? What’s the difference between me talking to my ancestors and having dreams about them vs. you speaking to God and believing you’re receiving messages from him through your dreams? Why am I ‘crazy’, but you are not? There is no difference, but the explanation for WHY is clear: colonialism, imperialism, the patriarchy, and white supremacy.

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Here is an interview with Dr. Marimba Ani, an anthropologist and African Studies scholar:

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My point? Even in coming into my own personal relationship with my spirituality, I noticed that I would frequently doubt the signs I would receive. Calling myself ‘delusional’ or convincing myself that I am going crazy. But then I thought about it: where does this stem from? It stems from being under a household that taught me that direct contact with spirits and channeled messages from the deceased was ‘demonic’. It comes from society implying that those who do venerate their ancestors or believe in divine messages from the Universe are ‘lost’ or ‘demonic’. I was speaking to my friend, Tyokia, (follow her blog, btw— ‘For Those Who Listen’) about this and I was expressing to her that I felt like I was losing my fucking mind for shifting to spirituality, and that I thought I was just bipolar or some shit. Yet, as we spoke I came to the realization that the disorientation I felt mostly stemmed from venturing into realms that were foreign to me, given my upbringing. The transition involves confronting layers of religious trauma while simultaneously beginning the process of decolonizing my understanding of spirituality and religion. I thought I had done the work in doing that. In a way, I did. But most recently, I’ve really been coming to terms with the fact that social conditioning made me believe I was psychotic for communicating with my ancestors.

This world taught us that our native religions were ‘demonic’ and ‘evil’. That is where that shit stems from. And the deeper I thought about it, the more upset I would get. But in my journey of redefining my spirituality, I’m seeing that I’m stepping into my power and creating a foundation to work off that not only serves me, but the kids I’ll one day bring into this world. A lot of times I feel lonely because I can’t talk to every single person in my life about my journey— as they still have a very colonized way of thinking as far as religion. I cannot be mad at them, as it is a process and I don’t expect every nigga in the world to grasp just how much colonization has a grip on them. But I’m recognizing I have to gain more friends who have a knowledge of this (like Tyokia and Samirah) because they just… get me.

Of course, with anything you need to have discernment. There are plenty of people in spiritual communities who are very anti-black, very homophobic, very misogynist. Very harmful. Which I guess, is another reason why a lot of progressive Black people tend to look at those who practice spirituality with a disdain or irritation. A lot of them are not representing us well. A lot of them are spewing hate and violence— but that ain’t me and never will be. I have enough sense to differentiate between bullshit and actual practice. However, I’m seeing that I need to build a tribe of some people who are on this journey with me so that I have some understanding. If we’re being real, there is a beauty in being understood— and sometimes that is all the confirmation you need to continue on with life.

I’ve started meditating to regulate my nervous system— and in the midst of me meditating, sometimes I get into a trance where I feel like I’m in a dream. In this dream, I met a herd of my ancestors— all of them embracing me and hugging me. One in particular, I asked her what the hell life is trying to teach me right now. She told me I was the chosen one and gifted me a small bag of uncooked rice. When I opened my eyes, I had to research what the hell that meant— to which I found that being gifted rice in a dream could have multiple meanings:

1. Could indicate deep spiritual connection from your ancestors: meaning that I am being encouraged to continue with my journey and to trust in the divine communication I am receiving from my ancestors. They are with me and protecting me.

2. Untapped potential or opportunities: uncooked rice isn’t ready to consume, so this could be a sign that I have plenty of resources available to me once I really tap into my gifts and invest time and effort into my development and craft.

3. Abundance and Prosperity: new opportunities are on the horizon and my blessings are on their way.

4. Community: this could be urging me to really work on building my tribe, and I also found that it could mean I’ve been in a stage of life where I am craving deeper connections— which is crazy because I am. My ancestors could be telling me that now is the time to create that community and to rely on them.

My ancestors talk to me in so many ways. I could be crying about a particular situation and they’ll speak to me through a song that portrays my exact sentiments/experience. I can ask them for a very direct answer about something, and I’ll receive it through a TV show I’m watching or a podcast I’m listening to. I’ll ask them for a sign that I’m not going crazy and I’ll immediately see an angel number. I’ve also asked them for advice on something that is weighing on me heavy, and they’ll speak to me through conversations I have with strangers throughout my day to day. It is very frightening yet exhilarating all at once.

I am very excited about my spiritual journey and while some aspects of it— I want them to remain private and just for me— I figured I’d bring y’all along on some aspects of my journey— as I always do. Because as a 10th House Venus, I feel like am very sure this is my purpose.

I’ve started writing down my affirmations, I’m gonna get back into journaling, and I also am gonna tap into my spiritual gifts. I’ve been blessed with the gift of claircognizance and clairvoyance— something I’ve known my entire life, honestly. I was just in denial. I’m just ready for this transformation I’m going through. I am excited to see the woman I’ll come out to be six months from now. Like I said, I’m learning to surrender and not to intellectualize every damn thing, so there are plenty of realizations I’m coming to, but rather than analyzing every damn element, I find myself just taking note of shit and moving right the fuck along. Like hmmm, that’s interesting and I’m happy I found a connection, but we not gon hyperfixate on it for too long. I’ve been building new friendships, bonding with family, and getting clear on what the fuck KAMORY wants. Being wiser, possessing more discernment, and enjoying life. Eating new foods, discovering new places, exploring new hobbies! I’m having fun and connecting with my ancestors at the same damn time. Because I know they want to see me smile and chuckle and shake ass and exude love as well. So, I’m honoring them in doing that.

Shoutout to me.